There are days, like today, when I feel like my life is a series of dead end streets. I try so very hard to keep moving forward, swim against the current, find alternate paths, but every route I take seems to slam me up against a wall. I have brick marks on my forehead at this point. There have been so many attempts and faliures this year, it is hard to keep picking myself up and trying again. Days like today, and too many lately, I wonder if I should just give up, sit back and let fate do with me what she will. Life feels out of my control.
Job: do I just ride this one out until it is gone? Stay put with no hopes or aspirations for anything else? The stress at work from watching my boss slowly give in to inertia and depression is a tangible force that makes me nauseated. The tension that builds in my shoulders and neck feels like it will peel my scalp off of my skull. It takes me at least thirty minutes of pounding down a forested path before the stress is reduced enough that I can again form coherent thoughts. Is this any way to live? Do I have a choice? Not at the moment.
I know I will keep trying to find viable alternatives to slow death by inertia. I wish I had no restraints to prevent me from widening my scope. No such luck. Keep pounding down the path, bouncing off the brick wall, falling on my ass, picking myself up, and trying the next fork in the road. Alone. Solo. I have myself, I need no one else.