Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Artistic Temperament? Or Batshit Crazy?

There are days when random, meaningless thoughts seem to ricochet around the inside of my skull causing so much static and echo that I can't focus. Today would be one of those days. It is odd how lack of sleep and a few thoughtless remarks can send my brain into a tailspin. I would love to be unaffected by those around me, to be able to armor myself against negative influences (whether intentional or not). The more I need my emotional strength, the more affected I am by what goes on around me. It is like being hypersensitive to noise, unable to shut out the background chaos or ignore the voices that seem like shouting in my ears. Solitude is my white noise, my escape from overstimulation.
Now, alone, in my squat little house, the rain pounding the windows and the wind wailing under the eaves, I begin to settle down. To rein in the torrential thoughts and feelings that can send me skittering wildly through the rocky landscape of my hyperactive emotions. If only I could find a means to harness the energies attached to the wild side of my emotions, to bottle it, to save it for times of great need, to put on the pantry shelf with my tomatoes and peaches. And like tomatoes and peaches, that energy is hard to find, and very expensive at this time of year, so it is shameful when someone breaks the jar and spills it recklessly.
People wonder why I keep to myself through the dark days of winter, accuse me of being antisocial, temperamental, or worse "silly." But it is to carefully guard my energies from those who would bleed it off of me, or unknowingly spill it through harsh words or careless acts. I like to think of it as "Artistic Temperament" and leave it at that. After all, isn't every artist entitled to the solitude of their studio or studies? And Artistic Temperament sounds so much better than Batshit Crazy.

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