Caught on the cusp between no holds barred, balls to the wall, full speed ahead, ride the whirlwind, and haul the reins, armor up, protect the vitals, tactical retreat. I have been told that I "never do anything by halves," and it is true. I seem to have two gears; fast forward, and reverse. Try as I might, I can never seem to find the middle ground. I am Leap Before I Look Girl, often to my detriment, dismay, and damage. Impetuous, impulsive, mercurial, quixotic, headlong, reckless, imprudent. It is a sure fire way to get myself neck deep in trouble of one kind or another. Rash and heedless. The fool to rush in where angels fear to tread. The internal struggles that this brings about are prodigious, and mind-bending. As my Nature tries to propel me forward with glorious recklessness, my oft ignored logical side steps forward in a vain attempt to prevent cataclysmic devastation. Yes, we have been down that road often enough. By now, it is a well traveled, familiar path. One would think that by now I would know every rock, pothole, and washout, but I am surprised by its altered topography every time.
In a sense it is Nature Versus Nurture. My Nature is to be the whirlwind, race ahead pell-mell, let my emotions and excitement carry me away, put me in harms way. But it is my Nurturing side, my logical side, that attempts to protect me from myself, shelter me from the ravages of the world around me, tries to build armor around the trust and naivete that is my Achilles's Heel. That is the crux, my trust and naivete. I am inclined to take everyone and everything at face value, believe what I am told, trust. For as often as I have been proven wrong, I cannot break free of the habit of trust. I can't step back and cry "bullshit." I believe, and trust with tragic, wide-eyed innocence that is unwise, and unseemly for one my age. This is why I have been told to "grow up," and that, "the world will beat that out of you," and this was by one I trusted. But no matter how I try to convince myself that it will lead me down another path of desolation and devastation, I continue to trust, believe, keep the faith. I have also been told that I lead with my heart, am "loyal to a fault," and "have a hero's heart." Hero? I would wish for Bedivere of dark magic and fearsome lance, but instead I am Parcival, the Fool. Although, truth be told, in the story of Parcival, in his darkest despair he wandered the woods, finally dropping the reins and allowing his horse to take him where it pleased. It took him to the Holy Grail. Maybe, just maybe, the lesson to be learned is to let go of the reins, stop trying to control my nature, and let it take me where it will. No quest is complete without pitfalls, traps, battles to save fair maidens, wrestling with demons, egregious betrayal, grievous injury, and eventual triumph. Oh, that I could find the balance between hell bent for leather, and merely dropping the reins. But it is a leap of faith, an act of trust, and trust I can do.