Sunday, May 26, 2013

Life Is About Change

    Two weeks. A rocky two weeks. Has it only been that long? It feels like a slow motion eternity. Today I feel more balanced, less derailed, than I have these last 14 days. I have kept myself busy, frenetically busy, moving, always moving, it is all I know to do during dark days. Perpetual motion has pulled me out of deeper murk than this. Yes, there were deep feelings of failure, rejection, pain, and anguish. I blamed myself, flayed myself with all my imagined shortcomings. Why could I not fix this? Why was I not enough to make it work? In truth, it is not me. I know this now. I know this, and cannot cast blame or aspersions. It really was an inevitable conclusion at this particular point. Respect, kindness, love. I have not lost these. I deserve these, and truly attained what I deserve. I realize that I am okay with it, this time around. There was no betrayal, and truly no rejection. It's not me, it isn't. I wish there was a fix, a remedy, a cure, that could have healed and repaired. But for some things there is no easy fix, and nothing I could have done, try as I might. I can't fix everything, I can't cure all the ills in the world. All I can do is love, live, share, care, protect, help when I can. I have learned, slowly and stubbornly, that the one person I am capable of curing is myself. To love, care, and protect myself makes me able to be there when others need me. It has been a rocky two weeks, but every misadventure, mischance, misfortune, mishap, meltdown, collapse, crash, is a chance to learn, grow, change, flower, flourish, and evolve. Life is about change, moving forward, learning from the past, but not letting it shackle your future.

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