Thursday, May 16, 2013
I have long known I was an empath, subjected to the emotions swirling about me, unable to filter the cacophony. Last week, ghosts and demons were haunting and taunting me, keeping me on the ragged edge. I was at a loss as to why they should chose such a time to rear their ugly heads. Even in the swimming pool, one of my sanctuaries, they came and rode my shoulder, hissing in my ear, raising self doubt, and feelings of abject failure. One good thing about crying at the pool? No one will see the tears. All week long I was assailed, tormented, harassed. Brought to tears more than once, and for no reason I could fathom. Then, with the coming of the weekend came the cosmic upheaval, kick in the teeth, emotional beat-down that has been a complete game changer. I am still reeling. It does make me push myself physically, that is one, maybe the only, upside. One ill effect, the return of my "nervous stomach," I have lost 3 pounds since saturday. With 20/20 hindsight I do understand last week's visitations. They were not my ghosts and demons, I was just channeling the energy flow for another. This is the real downside of empathy, getting to ride on the coattails of someone else's travails. As I struggled through last week, feeling failure, misery, loneliness, despite all that I have achieved recently, I could not wrap Brain around my sudden stumbling. I could not make sense of what was going on in my mind, heart, and spirit. I blamed it on stress and fatigue, as I usually do. That is my go-to excuse to the world when I am teetering on the brink, but this time I was telling it to myself. But I did not really believe it. Now, as I have every reason to have feelings of abject failure, rejection, self-doubt I can see last week for what it was: my empathic nature being fed by what was swirling unseen and unexpected all around me. Oh that I could be less sensitive, less emotional, less susceptible, less gullible, less trusting, less fragile. But it is how I am structured, I cannot change it. Once again, Trial by Fire. Time to prove my mettle. Once again I have to pick myself up, wash off the blood and road grime, spit dirt out of my mouth, wrap my tattered self-worth and frayed emotions around my spirit like a moth-eaten pall. I will regain my footing, find the path, and stumble forward, as usual. I am not beaten, I never will be. But g'damn it, I am tired of empathy. Empathy is one super-power I wish I could shed myself of.