Sunday, May 12, 2013

Acceptance? Or Surrender?

    It has been a brutal week, I won't lie. The stress of a new job has been wearing me down. I realized that my beloved wolfhound has likely developed bone cancer, and very well may not live through the summer. I am suddenly, and unexpectedly single again. And to top it all off, my motorcycle is still nonfunctional. It is a lot of hits to withstand, even for one who has gotten used to being knocked back a few steps every time I seem to be making some headway. Oddly, at the moment, I have found a peaceful acceptance of it all. It is life, my life, as it is, was and always will be. Mine is not the easy path, ever. I wonder if I would even know how to function if life suddenly became easy. I don't know if my current sense of acceptance is real and honest, of merely the eye of the storm. Very likely I will know in the predawn chill, for that is when I normally awaken for a few moments, and am vulnerable to demons and self doubt. Such easy acceptance of the brutality that life has thrown at me has me almost worried. Concerned that I have come to expect such calamities  and so am immured to them. Maybe it is battle fatigue, the hundred yard stare. A feeling of surrender to the inevitable. The eternal optimist, defeated. A false sense of calm. I don't know, won't know for a few days, I think. I need time to assimilate and understand everything that has transpired in the last five days or so. I know that with understanding comes acceptance, with acceptance comes forgiveness, and with forgiveness comes peace. But is it acceptance, or surrender?

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