Monday, March 25, 2013
Face To The Sun
"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you." Yes, mostly. Not always. But I try. I do my best to keep my face to the sun, my eyes looking forward, my feet moving along the path. But I do not always succeed. It is remarkable, even to me, how fast Brain and Body can flip from one channel to the next, like a hyper child with the remote control. Up, down, comedy to tragedy, calm to out of control. Even I do not know where I will land from moment to moment. It is brutal, nearly debilitating. Social anxiety screams off the charts. Panic settles into Brain with cold, probing fingers. There is even physical pain that accompanies the spaz attacks. Body and Brain are under constant threat, doing their best to fend off all that is thrown at them, but unable to dodge all the missles. It is an ongoing game of emotional and physical dodge ball. I know who is at the giving end of those red, rubber balls. My shadows, aka my demons. Who else? Little bastards. The best part is when I can catch the balls, and throw them back with every ounce of strength I have. I have stopped playing by playground rules. Head shots are allowed. Groin shots acceptable. They don't play fair, blindsiding me, pestering me at all hours of the night, spoiling fun times with their snarky remarks. So why should I play fair? I know, two wrongs don't make a right, but this has gone from a game to all out war. If I could booby trap the balls, make them explode, I would. I try to keep my face to the sun, honestly, I do. I try so very hard. But when you get brained upside the head by a well aimed, hard thrown projectile, it is impossible to maintain focus. Instead they lure me into a game that I really cannot win. I will be the kid covered with red welts and sporting a black eye by the end of the game. But I will still be there, getting battered, mocked, taunted, tormented, and yet getting up time and time again to face my foes. My shadows. My demons. Face the sun? No, I will face my tormentors and eventually beat them at their own game. Until then, I am stocking up on ice packs and bandaids.