Monday, January 14, 2013

Magnum Opus

    A friend commented, "And all you did was start by changing your words... like a prayer. Beautiful to watch the metamorphosis." It is true. I began by changing my words, which changed my perspective, which in turn changed my path, which changed my life. I can't pinpoint exactly when the change began, but I am pretty sure it all started with my avowal of, "2012 The Year Of Win." That was all. Simply, that after having retroactively named 2010 and 2011 as, "The Year(s) of Fail," I was determined to break the cycle. I did not set out to have any Years of Fail, but it just seemed that no matter what or how I tried, everything fell flat, backfired, failed. I tried, I truly did. And damned hard. I did everything I could conceive of to try and alter the wreck strewn course I was on. I came to the realization that although I was trying to alter my course through external actions, I had not changed my mental and emotional course. I was on a path that I knew was leading nowhere, was fraught with pitfalls, peopled with demons, lined with thorn bushes tearing at my flesh, and paved with toxic sludge. I could not change my life without changing my path. Easier said than done, of course. Extricating myself from the path, and finding my footing was excruciating, and a well documented journey.
    Even on a new route, it seemed as if I was mired in ill luck. I knew that luck could be made and was not as random as most think it is. I began to feed myself the happy horseshit lies to talk myself off the ledge, since there was no one else to do the job. "2012 The Year Of Win," began as a rallying cry to bolster my spirits, to convince myself that I was on the right path, and that eventually my good Karma would pay off and I would begin to harvest the fruits of my labors. It was slow going, with a number of false starts that did my Spirit no good. I kept my sights aimed at the horizon, kept up the happy horseshit, cajoled, sweet-talked, finagled, finessed, negotiated. They talk of the Power of Positive Thinking, a catch phrase, jingoism, pablum. But there is truth to it. A few years back a different friend said, "He complains about his own movie, but he wrote the screenplay." More truth, and it hit home, for me, yes, but even more so for another. I needed a rewrite. Changing words to change my story, rewrite my script, editing, purging entire chapters, adding new characters, killing off others. I needed a whole new plot line, a new story. Not merely new chapters, but to finish the entire book, and begin work on my masterpiece, my tour de force, my Magnum Opus. What began as words is finally becoming reality, though still a work in progress. "And all you did was start by changing your words... Like a prayer."

No comments:

Post a Comment