My reality is kicking my ass lately. No, not my recent foray into the world of firefighting, or my constant desire to push my body further and faster, or even my little house that is being neglected of late as I explore too many avenues. The aforementioned examples are my escape from my reality, and what keep me clinging to my sanity. I am fighting the struggle with Body, Brain, and Spirit. Body is holding up well, despite the exhaustion and stress of shouldering the burden of maintaining our equilibrium. Brain is hanging in there, despite brutal battles with Demons, and the constant fluctuations between Mania and Melancholy that are striking with the relentless speed of hungry hyenas. But Spirit is flagging. Spirit feels the weight of the emotional black hole that we walk into five days a week, and the world around us that seems more degraded and depressed by the day. Spirit is taking an unholy beating and has nearly lost all defensive mechanisms. No, not lost, but used up, drained dry, depleted. Spirit is feeling the weight of too many years trapped in the demoralizing morass of others' despondency. I have tried to escape so many times, only to fail, adding rejection to the dejection. I have my escape mechanisms, but they are fleeting, temporary, a few hours snatched and cherished. I work so hard to keep Brain and Spirit balanced, healthy, strong, but it is a struggle, an arduous, ongoing, brutal struggle.
My Flashpoint is a little lower every day. The point where I flip from steady and strong, to shaky and weepy. I feel I am losing control. As if control has been stolen from me, leaving me to be tossed about like a rag doll in the teeth of a terrier. Oh yes, I fight to regain control, a battle I am all too familiar with, but it is exhausting and debilitating. I clutch at whatever lifelines come near, I cling to the jagged wall of the abyss with every ounce of strength, I look to the future, make plans, pursue dreams. And I fight. Oh dear gods how I fight. Alone I will fight the darkness. I will not allow the inertia, ineptitude, and insanity that surrounds me to infect me. With weakened defenses I feel vulnerable and susceptible to the bleak malaise, but still I fight. I will continue to fight with every fiber of my being. Shivering with cold, clutching the jagged wall, refusing to be swallowed by the darkness, I fight on.
Despite the vicious assault against Spirit, Heart remains strong. Heart reminds us that there are causes worth fighting for, that we can make a difference in the chaos that swirls about thicker and darker than ever. Heart pushes Body, Brain and Spirit forward in the new endeavors, and will not allow any one of us to give up, to collapse into the vortex of the emotional black hole that encroaches, or to be swallowed by the demoralizing morass that sucks at our feet. We will continue to search for an escape route, a way out of the horrible inertia and wretched depression that threatens our very existence. My reality is kicking my ass on a daily basis, but I am seeking a new reality, will find a new reality, or will create a reality just for us.