Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Beyond the PNR
Amazing how 48 hours back in the throes of reality can dampen my spirits following the elation of my weekend. I know it is partially fatigue, I am so tired but know I will continued to push myself ridiculously. It is all I know to do when Brains starts flirting with the edges of Melancholy. I continue to push, swim further, run faster, as if I am trying to truly outrun the Demons that always seem to be close at hand. I know I am not managing my stressers very well, they are piling up in what could easily reach critical mass. This last weekend we learned about PNR, Point of No Return, in reference to the breathing apparatus and oxygen levels. Once you reach half a tank you are at the PNR, it took you 50% to get in, you will need 50% to get out alive. Sometimes I feel I live my life beyond the PNR. It takes so much energy to reach each objective that I wonder if I will have the energy to continue. I can't help but ask myself if it is time to get out, or take the risk of running out of air. I spread myself thin, extend myself body, mind and heart. My day to day existence feels laborious, painful, and futile. I feel as if I am teetering on a ledge, risking a cataclysmic fall. I feel as if I am waiting with bated breath for oxygen sensor to ring, telling me, "Get Out! Get Out!" I feel myself wanting to respond, "Mayday, mayday, mayday," as I make my way to the exit. I am nearing the fight or flight reflex, and feel as if I have little fight left. I know I am just tired, and feeling battered and bedraggled. I am sure that a good night's sleep and a visit with my fire engines will put me to right, until I have to wade back into reality. The station has become my fortress, my sanctuary, a safe haven. I know I am in safe hands, that I will not suffer major disappointment or heartbreak while surrounded by gleaming engines and the scent of fuel and turnouts. Yes, it is a bit psychotic, but it is that time of year. I am clutching at any lifeline that comes within my grasp. I know I just need to sleep. I need to restore my O2 levels before I am truly beyond the PNR.