Today, tired as I am, I am having a feeling of peace and satisfaction with what is going on in my tiny corner of the world. I see life falling into place for those I love, and this makes me nearly speechless with sheer and utter delight. I see my beloveds finding their way in the world, navigating life, finding love and happiness, success, and it is all I can do to contain myself and resist the urge to run down the road singing in jubilation. There is a tightness in my chest and the pricking of tears, but not from stress, or pain, or Melancholy, but out of overwhelming joy and happiness. It seems as if so much is falling into place in my life and the lives of those most important to me. I can't quite pinpoint the moment when it seems that we truly turned the corner into a new world. Maybe it started last winter, but I just couldn't see it through the haze. Maybe it was with the coming of spring. Maybe it was in August when The Bean made his glorious entrance into the world. Maybe it just happened, as the final pieces fell into place creating a wholeness, an alternate reality, a wonderful new chapter. I don't know when it happened, and it doesn't really matter. What matters is that it has happened.
Yes, I know that there are days coming when I will doubt this occurrence, this is why I write. I put these thoughts to page so I can read and remember. So in the cold, dark days of winter I can remind myself of the glory of my life. When the demons are hissing in my ear, riding my shoulder, I can keep them at bay with my own words, my own assurances. I will know then, as I know now, that on this day all seems right with my world. Even if it is a fleeting moment, I cherish it, hold it tight within my heart, rejoice in the reality. Today, life is good. Today, Life is as it should be, and all is well with my world. I cannot ask for more.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
What is Right
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I know what is right for me.
One would think that these are comparable, complimentary desires. They are not. What I Want and What I Need can be opposite ends of the spectrum. My wants are often beyond my reach, beyond my scope, and frankly, often impractical and potentially injurious to my psyche and well-being. My needs are simple, though not easily met. And What is Right for Me is a whole different concept entirely.
Over the last year or three I have tried to become more cognizant of what is Right for Me. The path I personally need to follow, the course I must steer to stay true, the proper combination of Want and Need. It is not easy, to stay true to what is Right for Me. My own Wants often get in the way of Right, hindering, waylaying, and absolutely jamming up my attempts to find my way.
Wants are alluring, tempting, grandiose, colorful, flamboyant, fantasy, a culmination of desires, often the reaction to bitter disappointments. There is nothing wrong with Wants, unless they are unrealistic, detrimental, or reactions to the sordid past. To want, to desire, to dream, is essential to well being. Want makes us strive to attain lofty goals, to push beyond our self-imposed boundaries, to step outside the norm, to stand up to those that tell us, "can't." But Want can intrude upon Right. Want can overpower both Need and Right. Want makes me headstrong, emotional, illogical, impractical, contrary. Want can easily oppose both Need and Right as I pursue vicarious, immediate thrills and instant gratification, irregardless of the price or potential damage to my psyche. Want gives me blinders, obscures the truth, excuses lies, allows ill-treatment, and so I have suffered from my blindness and acceptance all in the name of Want. When I hear, "the heart wants what the heart wants," it can trigger memories best left buried, exorcised, subjugated. Want is not always a true friend, but can easily be enemy in disguise.
Need is nearly self-explanatory. The basic Needs of life: oxygen, food, water, shelter, sleep. I Need these for basic Life. I Need my cozy home, my ridiculous dogs, my furball cats, my garden. I have learned that I also Need my art, my writing, to be able to create, to bring beauty into my day. I also Need love, kindness, compassion, a strong shoulder, a warm hand, a soft voice. True many of my Needs are not necessary to live but they are necessary for Life.
What is Right For Me? To know my own strengths, to appreciate how far I have come, to respect myself, to stay healthy in mind, body and spirit. I have to follow a path that keeps me true to my own moralities, my own understandings of the world. I have to continue to pursue peace, and understanding of self. I must choose to spend time with those who love me, are kind, accepting, understanding. I must distance myself from those who berate, belittle, mock, attack my sense of self, damage my self esteem, cause emotional chaos. I know What is Right For Me, though I often seem to forget, to pursue a Want with my head down, ignoring inner voices, ignoring visceral warning signs. I have stumbled off of my path all too often. Stumbled, fallen hard, sat and cried, finally picking myself up, climbing out of the ditch and continuing forward as best I can. I stumble, fall, cry, carry on. Over and over. Sometimes feeling as if I must be dense, scatterbrained, stupid, to be continually making mistakes. But mistakes are how we learn, how life teaches us truths.
I feel as if I have returned to my Path, and have a clear view of the next few paces. So, with my head up, eyes clear, I will attempt to continue forward, on my way, moving ahead, one step at a time. I am trying to rein myself in, just a little, not charge recklessly ahead as I usually do. But it is not easy. It is not my nature. Caution and I are, at best, casual acquaintances. But I know the consequences of my nature. I know the pain and angst of my repeated failures. True, I will continue to fail throughout my life, because I try. To try is to court failure. But it is What is Right. To risk, to try, to continue moving towards whatever life has to offer, this is What is Right. What is Right For Me.
I know what I need.
I know what is right for me.
One would think that these are comparable, complimentary desires. They are not. What I Want and What I Need can be opposite ends of the spectrum. My wants are often beyond my reach, beyond my scope, and frankly, often impractical and potentially injurious to my psyche and well-being. My needs are simple, though not easily met. And What is Right for Me is a whole different concept entirely.
Over the last year or three I have tried to become more cognizant of what is Right for Me. The path I personally need to follow, the course I must steer to stay true, the proper combination of Want and Need. It is not easy, to stay true to what is Right for Me. My own Wants often get in the way of Right, hindering, waylaying, and absolutely jamming up my attempts to find my way.
Wants are alluring, tempting, grandiose, colorful, flamboyant, fantasy, a culmination of desires, often the reaction to bitter disappointments. There is nothing wrong with Wants, unless they are unrealistic, detrimental, or reactions to the sordid past. To want, to desire, to dream, is essential to well being. Want makes us strive to attain lofty goals, to push beyond our self-imposed boundaries, to step outside the norm, to stand up to those that tell us, "can't." But Want can intrude upon Right. Want can overpower both Need and Right. Want makes me headstrong, emotional, illogical, impractical, contrary. Want can easily oppose both Need and Right as I pursue vicarious, immediate thrills and instant gratification, irregardless of the price or potential damage to my psyche. Want gives me blinders, obscures the truth, excuses lies, allows ill-treatment, and so I have suffered from my blindness and acceptance all in the name of Want. When I hear, "the heart wants what the heart wants," it can trigger memories best left buried, exorcised, subjugated. Want is not always a true friend, but can easily be enemy in disguise.
Need is nearly self-explanatory. The basic Needs of life: oxygen, food, water, shelter, sleep. I Need these for basic Life. I Need my cozy home, my ridiculous dogs, my furball cats, my garden. I have learned that I also Need my art, my writing, to be able to create, to bring beauty into my day. I also Need love, kindness, compassion, a strong shoulder, a warm hand, a soft voice. True many of my Needs are not necessary to live but they are necessary for Life.
What is Right For Me? To know my own strengths, to appreciate how far I have come, to respect myself, to stay healthy in mind, body and spirit. I have to follow a path that keeps me true to my own moralities, my own understandings of the world. I have to continue to pursue peace, and understanding of self. I must choose to spend time with those who love me, are kind, accepting, understanding. I must distance myself from those who berate, belittle, mock, attack my sense of self, damage my self esteem, cause emotional chaos. I know What is Right For Me, though I often seem to forget, to pursue a Want with my head down, ignoring inner voices, ignoring visceral warning signs. I have stumbled off of my path all too often. Stumbled, fallen hard, sat and cried, finally picking myself up, climbing out of the ditch and continuing forward as best I can. I stumble, fall, cry, carry on. Over and over. Sometimes feeling as if I must be dense, scatterbrained, stupid, to be continually making mistakes. But mistakes are how we learn, how life teaches us truths.
I feel as if I have returned to my Path, and have a clear view of the next few paces. So, with my head up, eyes clear, I will attempt to continue forward, on my way, moving ahead, one step at a time. I am trying to rein myself in, just a little, not charge recklessly ahead as I usually do. But it is not easy. It is not my nature. Caution and I are, at best, casual acquaintances. But I know the consequences of my nature. I know the pain and angst of my repeated failures. True, I will continue to fail throughout my life, because I try. To try is to court failure. But it is What is Right. To risk, to try, to continue moving towards whatever life has to offer, this is What is Right. What is Right For Me.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The First Forays
It seems to early in the season for me to be needing to dig into my vast stores of weapons already. But despite the lingering sunshine, or maybe because of it, I am feeling the first forays by the invaders already pecking away at my defenses. It was a beautiful morning, the sun barely cresting the hills, vibrant, radiant tangerine, the perfect orb, illuminating the eastern skyline. Low mist, laying thick over harvested fields. Flocks of geese rising en masse, quickly falling into formation as they drafted off each other in that mysteriously goosey way. Horses watching geese. Geese watching other geese. Birds on wires. Cows grazing. Pastoral peace. I tried to guide my mind to the zen of my drive. I could not. Demons, long somnolent, raised querulous voices. Quiet, yes. But insistent. Brain rose up against them, attempting to cajole them back into hibernation. But the voices ran in gibbering circles inside my skull. There is no reasoning with them. None. Reason and logic have no say in the matter. Finally, in an attempt to quell the noise, or at the very least, drown it out, I turn up the music. Loud, louder. Bone thumping bass. Even this fails to soothe the reawakened tormentors. I am hoping it is only fatigue, a long autumn with no down-time, too much to do and never quite enough sleep. I am hoping that I am merely exhausted. Even this is problematic as the best weapon in my arsenal is pushing my body beyond previous limits, finding new limits and surpassing them. Facing challenges and being triumphant. But I have had no down time for what seems like too long. I know I need to rest, but I cannot. Resting makes me feel lazy, slothful, indigent, unfocused. I revel in my physicality, rely on it as a haven for my fragile psyche. To take even a day or two away from my normal regiment makes me fearful that I will lose much of what I have fought to win. But I am so tired, worn thin, frail, fragile. I chose to think it is just for today, that I am just tired, just for today. Tomorrow, I will be rested, ready and back on track. Tomorrow. I just need to get through today.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
My Nemesis
Funny how I can feel It lurking just behind my eyelids. I know It is there, just as it knows exactly where to find me. Not only find me, but toy with me, taunt me, poke at my psyche. The underlying fragility is undeniable, I can feel the spiderweb cracks that lace across the surface. Hairline fractures only needing a gentle nudge to split asunder. The brittleness never truly leaves, It lives in Brain and Spirit, waiting, patiently. It is such a familiar entity that It is like one of the family, one of Us. Gabba gabba we accept you, we accept you, one of us. The fragility and brittleness, though potentially devastating, in truth makes me who I am. I accept this. One of us. But when I feel It lurking just out of sight, hovering over my shoulder, an unintelligible whisper in my ear so close I can feel the sound, I can't help but worry. It is there. It lies in wait.
It tried to rise to the surface just yesterday. It knows when I am tired and susceptible to It's machinations. As is often the case, although I am a full participant in these interactions, I am also able to step outside of my skull and act the casual observer. It is an interesting scenario, watching my own inner workings, my struggles, seeing the armor of my mind be strapped into place. Watch as I chose which weapon will be most effective for this particular bout. I can watch, with eerie detachment, as Brain and Spirit join forces with Body to keep the trinity whole and unmarked for yet another day, another struggle, another battle. This was just a flirtatious little visit from It, a testing of the waters, a gentle probing, a mere caress. But It was there, the detached Me looked It in the eye, and knew It for what It is: the Nemesis that has made Me who I am. Every super hero, every great warrior, has had the Nemesis, the Arch Villain, the Battle Royal, that made them who they are, let them be great, epic, historic. The key to such epic endeavors is to be the victor, last man standing, the triumphant. To withstand the assaults and survive despite the odds, or because of them.
So, as the fragility and brittleness lurk, as It flaunts It's existence, I gird my loins. I buckle armor into place, hone my weapons, fortify my position, prepare. I lay in wait. Hide in defilade. Set snares. String trip wires. I will not be taken down by It. Despite my fragility and brittleness, I will not crumble, I will not shatter. I will flex, bend, and fight back. I am stronger than It can imagine. I am far stronger than It. I know my Nemesis, understand It, know It's weaknesses even better than It knows mine.
It tried to rise to the surface just yesterday. It knows when I am tired and susceptible to It's machinations. As is often the case, although I am a full participant in these interactions, I am also able to step outside of my skull and act the casual observer. It is an interesting scenario, watching my own inner workings, my struggles, seeing the armor of my mind be strapped into place. Watch as I chose which weapon will be most effective for this particular bout. I can watch, with eerie detachment, as Brain and Spirit join forces with Body to keep the trinity whole and unmarked for yet another day, another struggle, another battle. This was just a flirtatious little visit from It, a testing of the waters, a gentle probing, a mere caress. But It was there, the detached Me looked It in the eye, and knew It for what It is: the Nemesis that has made Me who I am. Every super hero, every great warrior, has had the Nemesis, the Arch Villain, the Battle Royal, that made them who they are, let them be great, epic, historic. The key to such epic endeavors is to be the victor, last man standing, the triumphant. To withstand the assaults and survive despite the odds, or because of them.
So, as the fragility and brittleness lurk, as It flaunts It's existence, I gird my loins. I buckle armor into place, hone my weapons, fortify my position, prepare. I lay in wait. Hide in defilade. Set snares. String trip wires. I will not be taken down by It. Despite my fragility and brittleness, I will not crumble, I will not shatter. I will flex, bend, and fight back. I am stronger than It can imagine. I am far stronger than It. I know my Nemesis, understand It, know It's weaknesses even better than It knows mine.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Choices, Dreams, Coincidence
Though the blue skies and sunshine belie the fact, the truth is that the dark days of winter are approaching at an ever increasing speed. Just this morning I noticed the sun had not crested the horizon as I headed off to work. I know it was there on friday, a gloriously radiant globe suspended just above the foothills. Today, it was not there, its presence only verified by a fiery glow. It is a nagging reminder that the dark and cold will soon crowd me, and nudge me towards possible Melancholy. Oddly, I am not dreading the Melancholy with my usual soul dampening apprehension. Instead I am looking ahead with patience, acceptance, and the feeling of solid footing. Instead of seeing the winter months stretching ahead, full of cold evenings, lonely nights, grey days, feelings of hopelessness, I feel an optimism that is unusual for me at this time of year. I marvel at the sensation, and in my usual Poke-it-with-a-stick mentality I am wondering why the difference. I can chalk it up to a wide range of factors. Some of which I take full credit for, others that are happy coincidence, and some which are from choices made and dreams realized.
Heading into winter in my own home, my sanctuary, my fortress from the world, has had a huge impact on my well being. True, the financial burden of home ownership can be a strain, but it is negligible I would be paying to live somewhere, and here I have control over what I do. I am feeling a bit of pressure to get ready for winter, put aside some supplies, make a few changes to improve my comfort. I have played the grasshopper and not the ant this summer, playing away my weekends instead of keeping nose to the grindstone. I don't regret this fact, but now I am under the gun to get some major things accomplished before the weather turns against me. But it is good, I feel safe in my solid, little hacienda. This is a factor that I take full credit for, a choice made, dream realized, and by my own determined effort.
I am working towards a few ideas to reignite my art. I must prepare myself to create, get my creative brain on track, envision, design, make images become reality. I need to get back on track to attempt to bolster my income with my own creations. I have a few irons in the fire, but need to start pushing ahead, now. This again, a choice to be made, dreams to be realized.
The depths of winter will be my true step into the ranks of firefighters, a brotherhood, family, haven. Academy starts in January, and will keep me so busy that I will not have time to notice the grey skies and long nights. I will be learning, practicing, using my brain and body to extremes. I know this will propel me through to Spring, getting me through what has been traditionally my bleakest months. Again, a choice and dream realized.
On a happy coincidence, a marvelously, deliriously, joyously, happy coincidence; The Bright Bean. My grandson. The beautiful, perfect little human that restores my soul with every meeting. To hold his warmth in my arms, bestow kisses on his brow, inhale the fragrance of vibrant, new life. His energy is so pure, so glowing, so bright. Every cell in my body loves this tiny man in a way both marvelous and overpowering. I never thought I could love another as much as I love my sons, and then along came Bean. Love truly is limitless, and expands exponentially. My heart swells to near breaking just at the thought of this next generation, a legacy to the love of my children. It is amazing, and makes all else pale by comparison.
This year I head into winter feeling as if I have found a Safe Harbor. That I have someone at my back, comfort, protection from the world, a strong helping hand, a voice in the darkness, kindred spirit, a beautiful mind, a shoulder to lean on. I feel as if I have allies, true allies in my fight against the darkness. It is comforting, calming, and miraculous. This has been happy happenstance, but brought about by my own desires to reach out, make connections, find kinship, love. I have people I can turn to, if needed. This year has brought special people into my inner circle, connections that I have desperately needed, but been without, for too many years. I may be an Introverted Isolationist but that does not mean I can thrive lonely and alone. I need love and affection as a plant needs soil and water. I have found this, through choices, coincidence, dreams sought after and realized, karma stepping in and lending her hand. This is My Year, My Decade, My Millennia, My Life. I step forward into My Life, to live, love and thrive. This is My Time. Finally, My Time.
Heading into winter in my own home, my sanctuary, my fortress from the world, has had a huge impact on my well being. True, the financial burden of home ownership can be a strain, but it is negligible I would be paying to live somewhere, and here I have control over what I do. I am feeling a bit of pressure to get ready for winter, put aside some supplies, make a few changes to improve my comfort. I have played the grasshopper and not the ant this summer, playing away my weekends instead of keeping nose to the grindstone. I don't regret this fact, but now I am under the gun to get some major things accomplished before the weather turns against me. But it is good, I feel safe in my solid, little hacienda. This is a factor that I take full credit for, a choice made, dream realized, and by my own determined effort.
I am working towards a few ideas to reignite my art. I must prepare myself to create, get my creative brain on track, envision, design, make images become reality. I need to get back on track to attempt to bolster my income with my own creations. I have a few irons in the fire, but need to start pushing ahead, now. This again, a choice to be made, dreams to be realized.
The depths of winter will be my true step into the ranks of firefighters, a brotherhood, family, haven. Academy starts in January, and will keep me so busy that I will not have time to notice the grey skies and long nights. I will be learning, practicing, using my brain and body to extremes. I know this will propel me through to Spring, getting me through what has been traditionally my bleakest months. Again, a choice and dream realized.
On a happy coincidence, a marvelously, deliriously, joyously, happy coincidence; The Bright Bean. My grandson. The beautiful, perfect little human that restores my soul with every meeting. To hold his warmth in my arms, bestow kisses on his brow, inhale the fragrance of vibrant, new life. His energy is so pure, so glowing, so bright. Every cell in my body loves this tiny man in a way both marvelous and overpowering. I never thought I could love another as much as I love my sons, and then along came Bean. Love truly is limitless, and expands exponentially. My heart swells to near breaking just at the thought of this next generation, a legacy to the love of my children. It is amazing, and makes all else pale by comparison.
This year I head into winter feeling as if I have found a Safe Harbor. That I have someone at my back, comfort, protection from the world, a strong helping hand, a voice in the darkness, kindred spirit, a beautiful mind, a shoulder to lean on. I feel as if I have allies, true allies in my fight against the darkness. It is comforting, calming, and miraculous. This has been happy happenstance, but brought about by my own desires to reach out, make connections, find kinship, love. I have people I can turn to, if needed. This year has brought special people into my inner circle, connections that I have desperately needed, but been without, for too many years. I may be an Introverted Isolationist but that does not mean I can thrive lonely and alone. I need love and affection as a plant needs soil and water. I have found this, through choices, coincidence, dreams sought after and realized, karma stepping in and lending her hand. This is My Year, My Decade, My Millennia, My Life. I step forward into My Life, to live, love and thrive. This is My Time. Finally, My Time.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Return To Center
My life has been a chaotic rollercoaster ride for so long I had nearly forgotten what it feels like to have solid ground beneath my feet. Admittedly, it is taking me a bit to get my land legs under me again, and every now and again vertigo takes a swipe at me. I have been riding a pendulum, from one extreme to another, on every level, in nearly every aspect of life. But my life is beginning to feel as if it is finally Returning to Center. Am I too optimistic? Am I jumping the gun, again? Seeing through rose colored glasses, as I am wont to do? Or could it be true that my life is finally starting to smooth out, fall in line, take solid form? It has been such a rocky ride, and I am sure I do not face clean, smooth pavement from here on out (but then, that would be predictable and boring). But for the moment, I am feeling an inner sense of calm that has eluded me for what seems an eternity. It may be fleeting, the gods know that with winter coming my finances will be stretched beyond their limits, and the rains will come, and the dark days. But it is quite possible that if I am shored up beforehand, feeling safe, on solid ground, that I can weather the looming winter with my chin up, a fiery glint in my eye, and my heart strong. It will be the first winter in many a long year that I am not looking ahead to long, dark, cold, lonely days. The first October that I don't feel the crushing weight of my Aloneness. The first time in a decade that I don't feel as if I am looking down a long, dark endless tunnel, feeling queasy and unsure of what lay in wait in the oily black depths. Yes, the tunnel is there, but there seems to be sunlight filtering in through breaches in the rock. In one hand is a powerful flashlight that will penetrate the gloom, in the other hand a smooth hardwood baton to fight off demons. I may not be quite as physically and financially prepared as I would like, but I am definitely mentally and emotionally prepared, at least today.
It has been a rough ride. I have swung too long at the end of a long rope, waiting for the swinging to stop so I could get on with my life. One extreme to another, to another, to another. A life of extremes. Rarely calm. So now, as the swinging stops, the world slows, my life stabilizes, I feel the peace of finally being allowed to Return To Center.
It has been a rough ride. I have swung too long at the end of a long rope, waiting for the swinging to stop so I could get on with my life. One extreme to another, to another, to another. A life of extremes. Rarely calm. So now, as the swinging stops, the world slows, my life stabilizes, I feel the peace of finally being allowed to Return To Center.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
King Corn
Brain is all fired up today, and it all started with a field of corn. Yes, Corn. I drive through farmland on my way to work. It is a perfectly pastoral commute, and inspires many a wondrous fantasy. But today, Brain decided to yank my reality chain, force me to look at the details as well as the big picture of what may well be a major factor in the downfall of our concept of civilization. Corn inspired this? Corn, at the root of deep, grim thoughts? Yes. As I drove past the verdant field, Brain was already fretting about the financial burden of driving a gas guzzling, over-sized, pig of an SUV. I was watching the gas gauge, fretting over how far $40 of gas does not go, crunching numbers in my skull, unhappy with the answers no matter how I calculated and tallied. Brain was scrambling to come up with ways to cut financial corners, not quite moving into the Robbing Peter to Pay Paul arena, but skirting the edges for sure. What does this have to do with Corn? Passing the aforementioned cornfield I had a fleeting thought, wondering if the corn would be harvested for human or livestock consumption, or, more likely, biofuel.
Biofuel. The ecological dream concept; a renewable, clean, American source of fuel for our gas guzzling masses. As great a concept as this is, few seem to be looking at the Big Picture. Let me play a bit of the Devil's Advocate here. Corn permeates our society on nearly every level. It is used in almost every packaged food on the shelf wearing a variety of faces: cornmeal, corn flour, corn starch, corn syrup, corn syrup solids, and the demonspawn high fructose corn syrup. It is in cereals, processed meats, salad dressings, condiments, soups, beans, canned fruit, jams and jellies, dairy products, creamer, snacks, main courses, desserts, breads, crackers, the list is infinite. It makes things thick, sticky and non-stick. It is the main source of food for our food: beef, pork, poultry, eggs. It quite literally permeates our entire society and our way of life. Corn makes us abundant, wealthy, over-fed. It is the maligned culprit behind our obesity epidemic. We export it, store it, stockpile it. Our currency and global trading power factors corn into the numbers. And now we are putting it in our gas tanks.
Corn seems like the Hero Superfood, it can do Anything. Now *cue demoniacal laughter* comes the Devil's Advocate Part: can we truly afford to pay the price? Here is where I will lose most people. Isn't Corn easy to grow? Don't we have millions of acres planted in Corn in the Mid-West? Hello, King Corn? Let's start with basics. Corn is what is known as a "heavy feeder," it requires massive amounts of nitrogen and water to grow and produce heavy yields. To achieve this, the farmers, okay, not "farmers", the mega-farm corporations rely on huge amounts of chemical fertilizer, as well as heavy doses of pesticides. This may be a huge bone of contention for the majority of the environmentally minded, and it is indeed a concern. Another bone, Genetically Modified varieties. Long gone are the days of saving seed corn for next year, and I won't even dip my toes into the quagmire that surrounds this particular subject. In days of yore, there were hundreds of varieties of Corn. Today there are Seven used for commercial production. Seven. Yes, there are a few hybrids and heirlooms that you can special order from your favorite seed catalog, but none of these are "profitable." So, we are consuming and being consumed by plants that have been created in the lab, genetically modified to fit very specific parameters, altered in ways that may or may not be harmful to our health. Studies have linked genetically modified Corn to health issues including increased rates of cancer. Most of Europe has banned the growth and import of GMOs. Well, there goes our import powers. And still the Mega-Farms plant and grow, harvest and sell, cram it all down the throats of an unsuspecting and/or uncaring population.
You would think that the previous declarations would be enough to make Corn a hair-raising terror. But wait. There's more. Wait for it. Wait for it. Water. Water, H2O. Two hydrogen atoms bound with one Oxygen atom to form the basis of All Life on our planet. Without water, I would be dead in a few days. Certainly there is enough water to grow our food? Well, yes and no. We have converted the dry plains of the Heartland into millions of acres of lush, verdant growth by draining rivers dry, and tapping into ancient aquifers. Aquifers, Ground Water. Sink a well, draw out all the water you need, right? Well, Right Now. We are draining these ancient underground sources at an alarming rate. They do not readily refill. This is water that percolated through the rock over a millennia. It will not refill in our lifetime. So, we are using massive amounts of water to grow genetically modified and potentially dangerous corn so we can fill our guts and drive gas guzzling SUVs. In every sense, we are depleting our water so we can live a life of gluttony. We are using an invaluable resource, the most important resource, so we can pay a little cheaper price at the pump, drive our big cars, and not invest in alternative, clean, truly renewable energy. There are untapped resources just waiting for the impetus to make them viable and accessible. What are we waiting for? Waiting for water to become the next rare commodity? Waiting until we are living no the verge of savagery as barbaric tribes fight for water rights? The popular consensus it that biofuel is our salvation, our freedom from the shackles of oil dependency, our savior from the stranglehold of imported oil. Instead, Corn based biofuel is one more step towards the complete, manmade breakdown of our ecosystem. And no one sees it.
Where did all these grim ruminations get me? Besides heartburn? It lead me further up the path, to Conservation. Moderation in all things. Learning to vilify conspicuous consumption. If we, as individuals, made conscious choices to not buy into the corporate mythologies. If we used the voting power of our dollars to intentionally choose viable alternatives. But we won't. Most people cannot see beyond the narrow scope of their own existence far enough to even notice their own declining health, the damages being inflicted on their own microcosms. Most people are incapable of seeing the ramifications of their actions. Or they simply do not care. We are living in a time of ennui. So many don't notice the world, don't care what will happen tomorrow, much less next week, next year or the next decade. They live in the immediate of the now.
The choices we make not only reflect who we are, but effect who we are, who we know, where we live. Our choices define us. Our choices can redefine the future. But inertia steals impetus. And all this, these ideas, connections, correlations, all because I drove past a field of Corn.
Biofuel. The ecological dream concept; a renewable, clean, American source of fuel for our gas guzzling masses. As great a concept as this is, few seem to be looking at the Big Picture. Let me play a bit of the Devil's Advocate here. Corn permeates our society on nearly every level. It is used in almost every packaged food on the shelf wearing a variety of faces: cornmeal, corn flour, corn starch, corn syrup, corn syrup solids, and the demonspawn high fructose corn syrup. It is in cereals, processed meats, salad dressings, condiments, soups, beans, canned fruit, jams and jellies, dairy products, creamer, snacks, main courses, desserts, breads, crackers, the list is infinite. It makes things thick, sticky and non-stick. It is the main source of food for our food: beef, pork, poultry, eggs. It quite literally permeates our entire society and our way of life. Corn makes us abundant, wealthy, over-fed. It is the maligned culprit behind our obesity epidemic. We export it, store it, stockpile it. Our currency and global trading power factors corn into the numbers. And now we are putting it in our gas tanks.
Corn seems like the Hero Superfood, it can do Anything. Now *cue demoniacal laughter* comes the Devil's Advocate Part: can we truly afford to pay the price? Here is where I will lose most people. Isn't Corn easy to grow? Don't we have millions of acres planted in Corn in the Mid-West? Hello, King Corn? Let's start with basics. Corn is what is known as a "heavy feeder," it requires massive amounts of nitrogen and water to grow and produce heavy yields. To achieve this, the farmers, okay, not "farmers", the mega-farm corporations rely on huge amounts of chemical fertilizer, as well as heavy doses of pesticides. This may be a huge bone of contention for the majority of the environmentally minded, and it is indeed a concern. Another bone, Genetically Modified varieties. Long gone are the days of saving seed corn for next year, and I won't even dip my toes into the quagmire that surrounds this particular subject. In days of yore, there were hundreds of varieties of Corn. Today there are Seven used for commercial production. Seven. Yes, there are a few hybrids and heirlooms that you can special order from your favorite seed catalog, but none of these are "profitable." So, we are consuming and being consumed by plants that have been created in the lab, genetically modified to fit very specific parameters, altered in ways that may or may not be harmful to our health. Studies have linked genetically modified Corn to health issues including increased rates of cancer. Most of Europe has banned the growth and import of GMOs. Well, there goes our import powers. And still the Mega-Farms plant and grow, harvest and sell, cram it all down the throats of an unsuspecting and/or uncaring population.
You would think that the previous declarations would be enough to make Corn a hair-raising terror. But wait. There's more. Wait for it. Wait for it. Water. Water, H2O. Two hydrogen atoms bound with one Oxygen atom to form the basis of All Life on our planet. Without water, I would be dead in a few days. Certainly there is enough water to grow our food? Well, yes and no. We have converted the dry plains of the Heartland into millions of acres of lush, verdant growth by draining rivers dry, and tapping into ancient aquifers. Aquifers, Ground Water. Sink a well, draw out all the water you need, right? Well, Right Now. We are draining these ancient underground sources at an alarming rate. They do not readily refill. This is water that percolated through the rock over a millennia. It will not refill in our lifetime. So, we are using massive amounts of water to grow genetically modified and potentially dangerous corn so we can fill our guts and drive gas guzzling SUVs. In every sense, we are depleting our water so we can live a life of gluttony. We are using an invaluable resource, the most important resource, so we can pay a little cheaper price at the pump, drive our big cars, and not invest in alternative, clean, truly renewable energy. There are untapped resources just waiting for the impetus to make them viable and accessible. What are we waiting for? Waiting for water to become the next rare commodity? Waiting until we are living no the verge of savagery as barbaric tribes fight for water rights? The popular consensus it that biofuel is our salvation, our freedom from the shackles of oil dependency, our savior from the stranglehold of imported oil. Instead, Corn based biofuel is one more step towards the complete, manmade breakdown of our ecosystem. And no one sees it.
Where did all these grim ruminations get me? Besides heartburn? It lead me further up the path, to Conservation. Moderation in all things. Learning to vilify conspicuous consumption. If we, as individuals, made conscious choices to not buy into the corporate mythologies. If we used the voting power of our dollars to intentionally choose viable alternatives. But we won't. Most people cannot see beyond the narrow scope of their own existence far enough to even notice their own declining health, the damages being inflicted on their own microcosms. Most people are incapable of seeing the ramifications of their actions. Or they simply do not care. We are living in a time of ennui. So many don't notice the world, don't care what will happen tomorrow, much less next week, next year or the next decade. They live in the immediate of the now.
The choices we make not only reflect who we are, but effect who we are, who we know, where we live. Our choices define us. Our choices can redefine the future. But inertia steals impetus. And all this, these ideas, connections, correlations, all because I drove past a field of Corn.
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