Sunday, February 2, 2014

Time To Find Silence

    I managed to find a place of quiet inside my head this weekend. Silencing the waves of bleakness. It is peaceful at the moment, the silence. The shelter of my home, the zen of lap swimming, the meditation of a bicycle on back roads in cold winter air, the seduction of healthy food, the peace of winter gardening, tending my surroundings as I tend my spirit. I shut myself off from the world, surround myself with nothing but what is mine. My fortress of solitude. There are reasons I wish I could be a Hermit in The Woods, not the least of which is the harm that seems to befall me when I become entangled with someone. I should be glad that there is no way I could truly hide myself away from the world, because I very likely would, and that would not be healthy. But what is "healthy?" Who sets the bar on healthy? My body is very healthy indeed. My brain functions better than most. In so many ways I am at the top of my game. So, as I sequester myself away, who is to say that my self made hermitage is not the healthiest place for me to be? Here I find peace, quiet, solace, solitude, surrender, sanity, health, happiness. I do cherish my time away from the world. Is this what makes me difficult to love? That I am distant, distracted, and have very little need for human interaction? It is true. I need very little. But I do need some. Maybe that is the crux, I need less than most, and am trying to find it on my own terms. I am not unbending. But neither am I particularly flexible. For all the time I spend working, training, and trying to maintain my little corner of the world, I have little time to spend elsewhere. But if I choose to spend some of my time that means I am spending it on something of great value to me. I don't think others appreciate that. Minutes are like diamonds, small and priceless, irreplaceable, valued beyond reason. If I give someone my time, willingly, gladly, it is evidence of how priceless they are to me. This is not understood. Maybe someday I will find one person in the world who understands and appreciates this. If not, then I guess I will get to keep all my priceless minutes for myself, and that is not so bad. It gives me time to find the silence.

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