Sunday, February 9, 2014
I weary of feeling like a wounded animal. It comes on me so strongly that I have to wait for the bulk of it to pass before I even allow myself to write about it. I keep telling myself that all I need is time. Time heals all wounds. Maybe so. But how much time? How much longer. Will I ever feel whole, or will I always feel as if the scars are just waiting a slight prod to burst open again? I know that parts of me are held together by scar tissue, but I would wish that the scar tissue had more strength than wet tissue paper. It takes so little to rip it wide open, and then I am left frantically trying to hack together an emergency bandaid to halt the hemorrhaging. It does not work so very well. I pack the wounds with gauze, liberally apply a salve of exercise, healthy food, positive thoughts, plans for the future, but the seepage continues. So many times I have thought that the healing process is finally complete. So many times I have been proven wrong. I just want to get on with life without the shadow of pain that follows me like a loyal dog. I know I try to rush the healing, using all the tricks in my kit bag. None of it works. Some treatments backfire, leaving me feeling shallow, sullied, alone, lonely. I tell myself that it is just that time of year, when I always am more susceptible to feelings of angst, ennui, melancholy. The time of year when, from my little perch in the world, it seems as if everyone manages to move on with their lives, leaving me to trail behind, dragging a wounded limb, no longer part of any pack. I am the omega. It is far easier for me to make the conscious decision to be the loner than to allow myself to feel the outcast. How much longer? How much more time? I wish the universe would give me an answer. If I knew there was actually a time frame it would make it easier to pull though times like these. Instead, I pull back, drift away, let myself dream of summer sun warming my skin. Yet knowing that even the summer sun does not heal. But does time? I am beginning to doubt that as well. Maybe damaged is just the new normal.