Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Lighting The Fire
If you do not like the way things are, change them. If you aren't getting the results you want, change the way you are doing things. If you aren't finding what you are looking for, try looking for something else. I know one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. There are aspects of my life that fit this definition. I was looking so hard, and making attempt after attempt, and getting nothing but a heart full of grief every time. Every. G'damned. Time. Failed to the point that I thought I was finally broken. And I don't break easily. I feared that I had lost the fire. The spark that has always been a vital part of who I am. The spark that had dimmed, but never been extinguished, and had roared back to life with furious, manic energy seemed gone, lost to me. I tried to rekindle it the same old way, and there was nothing. Nothing. I felt like I was filled with cold, grey ash. I was so frightened that this time it was truly lost to me. Since what I had been doing was so obviously failing, I have decided to do something else. I am standing on the edge of a mighty precipice, staring off into the unknown, mist swirling about my feet. There is a Siren song of carnal desire encouraging me, urging me on, drawing me like a sailor to the sea, a moth to the flame, the bee to honey. This is no plebeian affair. There is nothing staid or grey about it. This is not going to be comfortable or easy, but that is why I choose to go. I have had comfortable and easy, it is not enough for me, it pales, loses the fire, and apparently it shunts me off to be Friend Zoned. No more sedate, calm, unassuming, proper, and inadequate. I have chosen a new path, a different route, the chance to take life by the balls and run with it. It is exciting, innervating, insane, arousing, alarming, intimidating, spiced with danger, spine-tingling, sensual, heart-stopping, marvelous, and absolutely crazy. I am stepping into a whole new world. Into the unknown. The fear and excitement of not knowing what is coming, where this will go, how far I can take it, where it will take me. The spark is back, and has leaped into a fire that is blazing hot and furious. My maelstrom is back. I have recaptured my spark, am lighting the fire, and about to pour the gasoline.