Monday, November 26, 2012
I realize that I often scare the shit out of myself. No, not in a scary-guy-in-mask-leaping-from-the-shadows kind of way, but more of an oh-dear-gods-what-was-I-thinking kind of way. I find I often set myself up for grand and epic potential failure. I put myself out there, in far over my head, and just hope to all hell that I will have the moxie to not run screaming to the horizon, or curl up in a fetal position under my down comforter. I don't set out to step outside of my comfort zone, or in some cases leap outside of it. That is never my intention. What seems to happen is my imagination takes off, thinking of all the adventures I want to experience, and then Brain and Body just have to follow along. My imagination takes me far afield. I can visualize things in my mind more vividly than if they were playing out in technicolor and surround sound in a home theater. The film festival in my skull has led me astray, lured me into the fog, nudged me over the edge more than once. It is a frequent trip, actually. And every once in a while it will sink in, what I am doing, where I am going, what I am expecting of myself, and I will freak. I will panic. I will be hit with the knowledge that once again I am stepping up to the plate to have 120mph fastballs thrown at my head. And it scares the holy hell out of me. I am on the cusp of some major shit right now, epic adventures, a leap off the edge into the unknown. I am risking the potential for major failure, not only of my own, but letting others down as well. I am getting ready to embark on a new avocation that is beyond hobby, far beyond a casual fling. I will be pledging my body and spirit, my time and energy, a pound of flesh to be one of a few, select individuals who are willing to be first responders, the ones who run in when all sane people are running out. I become overwhelmed with the reality, the responsibility, of what I am promising. It really does scare the hell out of me when I think how much others will be expecting of me, how others will trust that I have their backs, that I will be there, and be brave and strong. My self doubts assail me, on this and other dreams, hopes, ambitions, objectives, plans and schemes. So much that I want to do, to try, to prove to myself. But reality strikes and I am terrified. Terrified that I will not only let myself down, disappoint myself, but far worse, that I will disappoint others, that I will not make the cut, that I will fail. What to do when panic and fear clutch at my soul? I certainly cannot back out now, so there is nothing left but to keep moving forward. Pretend to be brave long enough that my excitement and enthusiasm can return the fire to my imagination, and then I will be off again. There is no time for fear. So I must just ignore it, and it will go away. Ignore it and it will go away. No fear. Just my imagination.