Method To My Madness

    I think I am beginning to understand. To understand the strange behaviors of Brain and Body over the last few weeks. Brain has been leaping from intense focus, defining dreams, forming plans, to being scrambled, fogged, dreamy. And Body? Body has been afire with energy, active, flying, until the Crash, and desire for 10 hours of sleep. I have felt the rollercoaster, the highs and lows, the extremes. Day to day, I don't know where I will be in any given hour: High, Low, Focused, Dreamy, Energized, Somnolent? I was getting concerned over the extremes. Granted, I should be used to extremes within my own Brain and Body, it is my "Normal." I do believe that the last few weeks are the result of my high energies taking charge, blasting ahead, gathering input, making plans, and then stepping outside of the breakneck pace to ruminate, rest and recover. High energies take their toll. There is so much going on with Life these days, so many options, choices, pathways, dreams, desires, possibilities. So much to ponder that Brain becomes overwhelmed and begins to block out the incidentals, the unimportant, the mundane and plebeian. Brain narrows the focus, ignoring everything but the task at hand, the task Brain chooses to deem important at that moment. The only way I can think to bring Brain back into the present, is to focus on the future and make plans accordingly. I know I need to relax and go with Brain's Master Plan, accept the inevitable, enjoy the ride but hang on for dear life. Brain knows where we need to go, even if Brain is not in a sharing mood, and prefers to keep us all in the dark at times. I know we are moving forward, I just am not sure where we are going.
    Body, on the other hand, is focused and insanely energetic. Body knows exactly where we are headed and is infused with drive and motivation. Body pushes forward, excited, strong, willing and eager. But even Body has limits, and we hit the wall every evening, when there is still much to be done. Hits the wall and crashes. When the crash comes there is no recourse except to crawl to bed and sleep, and it never feels like we get enough sleep. There is too much to do, too much fun to be had, to want to waste time sleeping. But Body does insist at times, and then there is no arguing, Body wins.
    So where does all this lead me? It makes me realize that there is a Method To My Madness. My lunacies are not random. Instead I have realized that my lunacies are going to be my salvation if I can continue to work to understand myself, my actions, my own inner workings. If I can continue to allow Brain, Body and Spirit to act and react as need be, instead of trying to force alien behaviors, unnecessary actions. I must conserve energy by not fighting against my nature, my skewed, lunatic, artistic nature. Let Brain take the lead, trust instincts and reactions. Trust myself, release my creativity, let energy flow. I must believe that there truly is a Method To My Madness.

Inside My Head

   I once had a friend say to me, "I've wondered what it would be like to get inside your head, and then realized that it is probably a scary place." I laughed it off. What else could I do? But it is often the truth. I like being inside my head, even when it is alarming, weird, scattered, turbulent. It is my Mind, after all, and I am used to it. Used to it the way an experienced horse owner learns to manage a skittish, high strung horse without getting their head kicked in: approach carefully; make soothing sounds; touch gently; never make sudden movements or loud noises; handle with care.
    Lately I have become a bit concerned over my apparent inability to multi-task. I get focused on a project and all else falls away. I am getting behind on bill paying, and other grownup tasks, merely because I just don't think about them. My Mind is on other things, far removed from reality at times, and often far less mature than I probably should be. I feel driven to do certain things, and nothing else. I can't seem to change directions, and pay little heed to anything other than what my Mind deems important at the moment. If I try to work on something, anything, that my Mind is disinclined to want to do, then the task becomes nigh-on impossible to elicit any focus whatsoever, much less be done to completion. So, I let my Mind choose the path, instead of fighting it. I give my Mind the lead, and just go along for the ride. Much like letting a horse amble forest paths, letting the reins hang loose, just a warm body in the saddle, relinquishing control. I may not be accomplishing what I think I should be, but at least I am accomplishing something. It is the best I can hope for at times like these.

Scramble

    Thoughts are so scrambled. I can't maintain any linear thought. Instead Brain bounces me around, taking me into places I really don't want to go, flirting with the edges of Melancholy, then yanking me back by the short hairs. Conflict reigns supreme at times like this. I become contrary in nearly every thought and action. Even I don't know where I will end up in the crap shoot of upheaval. I try to pull myself back into a semblance of rationale and logic. I remind myself of what I want, what I need, and what is right for me. I come back to this concept. A thought that originally coalesced late one night, in the dark silence, just as I was about to slip into sleep. It struck me, and echoed around inside of my skull with such clamor that I had to turn on the light and write the words, just so they would pipe down and leave me alone. What I want, what I need, what is right for me. It has become a mantra. A focus. A way to shepherd Brain, slow the thoughts, corral the chaos of Brain on a tear. I need such weapons to quell Brain at times like this, or it will spiral out of control, feeding on itself, a maelstrom. I can't allow that. Not Now. Brain is not easily quieted, not easily calmed. But I whisper the new mantra, it is more effective, more focused, than my previous mantra. The days are gone when all I could do was whisper to myself, "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." But when thoughts scramble, when Brain is like a runaway horse, stampeding across the countryside, it is all I can do to form any comprehensive thoughts, any at all. So I hold my rebellious head in my hands and ignore the yammerings, subdue the panic, quiet the voices, and try to remain focused on what I want, what I need, and what is right for me. But there are times when it is not enough. When nothing is enough. Times like these all I can do is ride it out, minimize damage and hope for the best. Hope for the best. Forget what I want. Forget even, what I need. And focus on what is right for me. And hope for the best. It is what is right for me.

A Little Stillness

    I am having a difficult time connecting with the real world today. Instead, my third eye is turned inward, focused on the surreal, unreal, creative, meditative, mist shrouded world that inhabits my mind. I believe this is the result of so much socialization, input, data, interaction that has yet to be fully processed. And so my mind draws away, retreats into the sanctuary that exists within my skull. I retreat and process, withdraw and ruminate. So much has transpired in the last few weeks, months, that I feel the need to sit back for a while and let events and thoughts catch up to where I am. I am beginning to feel out of synch, but not in the panic inducing, fearful, stressful, exhausting, defeating way that enveloped me the last year or three. Now I am feeling like I have run so far down the path that I need to stop in a sunny spot and wait for the rest of my world to catch up. So, I sit in the sun, eyes turned inward, reflecting, contemplating, visualizing the future. My future. I am not sure where this winter will take me, but then, no one really knows where they will be even a few hours into the future. I don't know if this next year will bring cataclysmic change, or subtle growth. Metamorphosis or quiescence. I know it will not bring inertia, I am done with inertia. But will the events that surround me, and effect my reality, cause monumental shifts? I feel the need for another quantum shift. Shall I force the issue? Or let it come to pass on its own? I think I shall watch and wait, nudge when needed, jump when appropriate. As much as I am inclined to Leap Before I Look, I think this will be a time for me to practice a modicum of patience as I align the game pieces of my life. So many pieces in play, so many balls in the air, so many thoughts tumbling around inside my skull. I need quiet, stillness, solitude to let Brain sort through the jangling mass, prioritize, contemplate, develop ideas, discard chaff. Life has been pell mell for so long I almost forget what it is like to sit in stillness. Pell mell but wonderful. Chaotic but vivacious. Frenetic but delicious. Quirky and tempestuous. Crazy and delirious.  Careening wildly. Joyous. Blissful. Such a pace cannot be maintained forever, without rest, without recovery. I know that after every race, every tough endeavor, I owe it to Body to rest and recover. I can't deny Brain the same courtesy. Brain needs to recline and review, coalesce, draw conclusions. So Brain and I withdraw just a bit, turn away from the world, retreat to our sanctuary to allow time to process and understand. It is not an option, it is a compulsion. I cannot but comply. It goes far beyond choice, and if ignored will merely carry me further into seclusion. Brain and I just need a little time, stillness, a bit of quiet. Just a little stillness.

Small Magics

    Chance conversations so easily send my mind down random pathways. Today, a missive from a faraway friend triggered thoughts also brought on from conversations with other friends over the last few weeks. All random, different, unconnected conversations. Unconnected except for the vital spark of Small Magics. I am not one to think that I have a grand and glorious destiny. And I do not think this because I have a low opinion of myself. On the contrary, I think it because I have a high opinion of my ability to do the small magics that make a difference in day to day life. In my life, it is less important that I have a grand scheme, a life mission, a driving desire to do good on a global level. I believe that would lead to disappointment, feelings of inadequacy, failure. Instead I believe in the magic of small gestures; a smile, a touch, good food, a strong shoulder, a helping hand, making a child happy, comforting a friend, giving of self selflessly. These are the Small Magics that make my life a success. I can look around me and see the effect I have had on the world, in simple things. Do we truly understand the healing power of acts done with love and compassion?
    Food made with loving care, served with warmth of heart, shared gladly, the comfort of a full belly, can renew hope, restore calm, heal mind and body. I know that a simple gesture can release a flood of pent-up emotion, freeing the mind and spirit, uncluttering the soul. How is that not magical? The smile of a child. The penetrating warmth of a baby held in loving arms against chest swelling with pride. A familiar voice in the dark. A warm hand. Concern on a dark day. Just the offer of help. An invitation to break bread. These are Small Magics. Important Magics. Powerful Magics.
    Too often we hide behind the drive of doing great things. Becoming so focused on the giant picture that we lose sight and touch with all the colors used to create that picture. We stop being the artisan wanting to bring simple beauty into a few lives, and become overwhelmed with the enormous task of bringing something, anything to the masses. Small Magics let us bring our focus away from the horizon and onto the people standing right in front of us. Yes, we need to think globally, understand how our actions can effect the world. But we really need to live close at hand, see the joy we bring to those around us. This is Small Magic. Small, but infinitely vast.

Companionship

    Big, black horse. Little, white sheep. Grazing close in comfortable companionship. Blissfully oblivious to their differences. Only seeing their similarities and friendship. Fog lending a Hallmark surrealism to the scene. Sends my mind along the path of companionship, similarities, comfort. Happy to be feeling as if I am finding my niche, my family, my tribe, my place in the world.

Beyond Dreaming

    I am feeling like Brain and Body have kicked into high gear of late. Ideas, plans, schemes, are churning, frothing, forming, coalescing, fast and furious. Body is keeping pace with energy off the chart. Is it Mania knocking at the door? I don't think so, because, oddly, emotions are raging all over the map. Mania does not allow room for anything other than elation. Why are the random, erratic emotions manifesting? They are at odds with Brain and Body. Maybe it is just an overwhelming, explosion of all energies, all pent-up emotions. All the strong, amazing emotions that race through me pell mell, no brakes, no restraint, damn the torpedoes. When emotions rage, expect the good with the bad, light and dark, sweet and salty. That being said, emotions are not hindering the creative juices that are spurting through my grey matter, heat innervating muscles, electricity shocking mind to action, fire in the blood, passion in heart. I am flaming, afire, comfortable within my whirlwind.
    My Whirlwind. The question is, can I steer it where I want/need to go? Whirlwind is not inclined to listen to me so very much, taking on a life of its own more often than not. But I feel more focused, more cognizant of what I need, where I want to go, how I want this chapter of my life to pan out. My dreams are more on point, less scrambled. In the past, my dreams often were vague ideas of "a better life." How indistinct is that? Those dreams were borne of a need to pull myself away from same old same old, and onto new and improved. Now, as I move through new and improved, I am learning the importance of focus, striving for specific goals. Not merely Dreaming, but reaching for the Dream.