Sunday, November 24, 2013
Though I have found it in my heart to forgive, I cannot manage to forget. My own self esteem has been shattered so often I realize that it is brittle and easily cracked. I try to remain solid, strong, impenetrable, but when my heart thaws and opens up I become vulnerable again. I had thought that with acceptance and forgiveness I would find inner peace, and at times I have. But too often there is turmoil, fear, doubt, insecurity. The result of so many scars. Yes, I am proud of my scars, they show that I am a survivor, but scar tissue can be fragile and easily torn. I do my best to protect these scars, shelter them, cradle them tight against my chest, keep them from harm. But it is not my nature to remain closed off, cold, hard. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not hide my emotions well, except for the painful ones, those I hide very well indeed. There are moments when painful emotions will damn near bring me to my knees, but I bottle them up, stuff them down my own throat until I nearly choke. I don't want people to think me unbalanced, fragile, insecure, damaged, flawed. It is so much easier when people think I am intimidating, tough, invulnerable. But to open up, be myself, relax, allow the inner me to be seen, and hopefully understood, is almost more than I can manage. It is terrifying. My past does not give me great hope that sharing the real me will end in anything but the need for damage control. Am I fatally flawed? Not enough? Too much? For once, just once, I would like to be just right, enough, the one. I know it is the darkness and chill of winter speaking, channeling cold, dark thoughts through me like a charlatan soothsayer speaking in tongues. But winter or not, I fight the urge to hide away, armor my heart, close myself off, protect myself. But I won't. It is not my nature, truly. Instead I will flay myself wide and await what will come. Trembling with fear of what may come, but knowing that someday I will be enough. Someday.