Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Sense of Self

    My universe has had a paradigm shift this last year. This winter has been an ongoing struggle to rediscover, come to terms with, and reintroduce myself to aspects of my personality that seemed lost though not forgotten. I have submerged parts of my vital essence out of need to protect myself from harm, real or perceived. I lost my true sense of self. I know I have done myself a great disservice by burying some of the more delicate creatures that reside within me. Those poor, fragile beings, trampled by the jackbooted thugs that inhabit the protectorate side of my nature. Yes, the protectorate is far from subtle. The protectorate will herd all the delicate personalities into a safe room, lock and bolt the door, and stand guard outside with arms crossed, batons at the ready, and beligerant sneers gracing their lips. The jackbooted thug has been predominant for quite some time, making me think the fragile beings had finally suffocated in the locked, barometrically sealed safe room of my soul. Imagine my delight when, after forcing my way past the sneering brutes, I found the delicate beings safe and sound, none the worse for wear, and eager to come out and play. There may be a trace of PTSD, and maybe the occasional flinch at loud noises or aggressive behavior, but as a whole the delicate beings seem to be hale and hearty.
    The reintroduction of these delicate aspects into the melange that is me has softened my edges, reduced the brittleness, tempered the hostility and anger. They are bringing my whole self back to center, back into balance. They have not slowed the whirlwind that is me, if anything their giddy nature has added impetus and power to the maelstrom. As hail adds intensity to a spring shower, lightening to a summer storm. It may be perceived as violent, but in reality it is just nature flexing the variety of skills she has at her disposal. As my whirlwind powers forward, picking up speed and intensity, it gathers into its heart all the debris and detritus of life and changes it into an abstract marvel of the wild beauty of nature. It is as though all the negativity I have cast aside has fallen from me like autumn leaves, or spent cherry blossoms, to be pulled into the vortex to dance with the wind in a display of color and chaos, beauty and mayhem, vital energy, nature's power. The ferociously beautiful power that is my true Sense of Self.

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