Monday, March 19, 2012


    Life never seems to tire of throwing me curveballs. The last few months have been a tumultuous crescendo of what has been a chaotic year. I have run the gamut of emotions, and been in a constant state of mental turmoil. I have watched, seemingly helpless, as my brain went round the bend and back. Self-flagellation has been a frequent past-time, self-deprication a hobby, self-blame a way of life. A recent, hard thrown curveball, aimed straight at my head, intent on damage, has actually had what seems to be the opposite effect. After the initial impact left me hurt, stunned and angry, I was able to shake it off, clear my head, dust myself off and finally trot to first base. The impact allowed me a clarity of mind to realize that I am not to blame for the issues, actions and inactivites of others. I am responsible for my own actions, which have been honest, true and real despite the insanity and mania that has driven me this last year. This sudden enlightenment has allowed me a deep sense of peace and triumph that has been missing for so long that I had forgotten it was even a possibility. I am allowing myself to feel the elation of survival and growth. The calm that comes from shedding the weight of self-blame, self-flagellation, and remorse. I feel triumphant, having shed the malaise of a toxic, damaging situation. I am empowered by my personal strength, my own integrity, my own honesty. I take strength knowing that through it all I at least managed to stay true to my self, even if it was not the wisest path. I have regained a sense of self, pride in my honor and integrity. I feel powerful, balanced and calm.
    Standing at first base, with that sense of achievement, the elation of moving forward without a backward glance. The anticipation of knowing I am now, finally, in a position to score is a heady experience. It doesn't matter how I got here, the pain of impact, the blurred vision, the confusion, the anger. What matters is that I have the strength, power and durability to shake it off and move into a scoring position. I can hear the crowd cheering for me, booing and hissing the dishonorable pitcher. The crowd is mine. The crowd is eager for my next move. They can see that I am stronger and tougher than anything the pitcher can throw at me. I know I am stronger as well. I am ready to round the bases, score a run, and then step back up to bat with no fear of future curveballs. The next curveball thrown at me, I plan on hitting out of the park. 

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