A number of years back, I gathered all my energies and sent out a simple desire into the universe, "Please, I just want what I deserve." Call it a wish, ritual, spell, prayer, meditation, casting. Call it what you will, I wrote and performed this simple deed, sending out all my energies, in the hopes that this basic desire might be met. Now, I look back on that night and wonder at my recent life. Maybe the chaos and pain of recent months is that energy coming back to me tenfold? They say, be careful what you wish for. And I have learned the painfull lesson that you also have to be very careful with intentions. In the years since that simple plea to the universe, my life has been little other than chaos, struggle, strife, and disappointments randomly relieved by the occasional small victory, and moments of joy. Yes, I do normally try to focus on those moments of victory and joy, for they were hard fought and not easily won.
But I look back on the wish for "what I deserve," and I can't help but wonder what I have done in this life or a previous one, to merit the strains and hurdles my life keeps tossing into my path, repeatedly and seemingly without end. I didn't ask for more than I deserve. I didn't ask for riches, or even a particularly easy life, just what I would hope that lifetime of hardwork, integrity, and living by the golden rule might have earned. I am puzzled. And not just a little disconcerted.
I stand and look at my life, trying to weigh all the aspects. I look at the good, the bad, my own actions, my own aspirations, my triumphs, and failures. I try to discern what I have done to have raised the ire of the gods. I know there are things I have done that I am not proud of, things I did with good intentions that fell flat, times I put my own self interests ahead of my own integrity. But I cannot see how I have ever done anything so abyssmal to deserve the paths that I have been forced to tread, the firestorms I have withstood, the gamuts that have flayed my emotions raw.
Maybe I am just looking at the whole situation from the wrong perspective? Maybe I should wonder if what the universe felt I deserved was a long, abject lesson in hardship so that if my wish is ever fulfilled I will truely appreciate whatever it is that I do deserve? Is it possible the gods thought I needed toughening up before I was truely worthy of whatever it is that awaits me at the end of my trials? I speak the truth when I say that I now am very careful what I wish for, because chances are it will not manifest in the way it was expected.