Is it wrong to be focused on life and survival, sometimes to the exclusion of play? I feel like I am the only one reading the news, absorbing the information (incomplete though it may be) and taking it seriously. The rest of the world complains about the issues, gripes about inflation and unemployment, but they are continuing on in their same day to day routine, as if by ignoring the pending apocalypse it will just pass them by. Einstein said it best, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results." Maybe that is not true insanity, but it is the insanity that infects the majority of the population. Where does that leave me though? I keep trying different things, and still end up with the same result every time; Failure. My consolation in this is that many of the world's most successful people have long track records of dismal failures, followed by another attempt, failure, attempt, etcetera, until they finally succeed. Granted there are more people in the world who just continue on with failure after failure, with no rainbow at the end of their road, people destined to vanish into obscurity and poverty. I'm hoping to someday reach the rainbow.
Sometimes I think that my problem may be that I give up too easily, possibly out of fear of success and the responsibilities that go along with it. I have expended vast quantities of energy chasing dreams, only to finally stop as the dream disappears over the horizon. Is this giving up? Or cutting my losses? I like to think that I am relatively intelligent when I see diminishing returns, intelligent enough to let go of the emotional attachment to the dream, and find a new path. Too often I see people clinging to an ideal, idea, plan, business, project, clinging to the point that they are hemorrhaging money, energy, emotion and spirit. This is the aforementioned "definition of insanity." Slogging along, head down, ignoring the ruins of their dream raining down on them, thinking they are putting one foot in front of the other, but in reality they are slowly sliding down the slope towards the precipice. I see it at work every single day, it has the emotional drain of hospice care without the spiritual satisfaction of knowing I am making a difference in someone's life.
The current dream is simply the survival of my family, and maybe finally obtaining a small piece of the American Dream. Yes, I really want the small family farm. I am willing to do whatever it takes, give whatever I have, sacrifice nearly anything, in order to have the security of farmable land and a livable house for me and mine. I see the looming apocalypse, lurking just over the horizon, like a tropical storm hanging off the coast while it builds power and speed. Will it hit? Or will it peter out to merely a heavy rain? There is no way of knowing until it is too late to run. I would rather prepare for a full blown hurricane and feel a little foolish later, than to look at the dregs of my life and the loss of my family and bemoan my inaction. This is a dream to pursue with a passion. A plan that needs to be forced into a reality. I need to stay the path, not give up, no matter what roadblocks or negativity gets thrown up in my way. Other's can look at me and this scheme and think I am obsessing, over-reacting, neglecting other aspects of my life, but I have to remain strong and sure-footed in this one endeavor. I have to ignore criticisms that I am too serious, losing my ability for fun and play, refusing to escape into fantasy. Painful as such criticism is, because there is more than a grain of truth in it, sometimes we must put aside frivolities in order to put all energies into reality.
This is a path that needs traveling to the very end. For once. For once I need to not give up, regardless of what other's say and think. Not let outside influences make me stumble. Because sometimes I think I switch paths too quickly. Jumping from plan to plan, scheme to scheme, without giving anything the time to mature and bear fruit. Expending just enough energy to feel tired, never enough energy to succeed. Do I? I don't know, I really don't know. I don't like to think so. I prefer to think that I am avoiding insanity.
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