Life is unpredictable, shifting, chaotic, stressful, exciting and ever-changing. I constantly slip down new pathways to alternate realities, willingly and willfully. I can't seem to find the straight, reliable road to a pre-ordained destiny, but doubt I would tread it even if I were to find it. As much as I like a structured life, and say I don't like change, the reality is that I seek out change, force it upon myself, chase it down, and crave it like a drug. Change makes life exciting, exhilarating, inspiring and invigorating. Lack of change is stale, dessicating, cloying, annoying, boring, insipid, and mind-numbing. Change is terrifying, but the lack of it is even more so. Change forces us to confront our weaknesses and overcome them. The staleness of no change makes us weak. To seek change requires courage and boldness (whether real, forced or faked). To avoid change only requires the simple act of doing nothing, inertia, laziness, submitting to fear, committing to lassitude.
I have been pursuing change. Trying to change most aspects of my life; job, house, status. All with very little end result. I have concluded that I am trying to force changes in areas that I have very little real control, such as changing jobs. This wouldn't have been an issue a few years ago, but now the jobs are few and far between and competition is beyond fierce. I am not shying away from the job market because I fear change, or because I feel defeated and unworthy (although I will admit that the constant rejections gave my ego a real beating). The reality is that I would most likely be trading one set of stressors for another, drop in pay for a while, lose benefits during the transition, and most likely lose a lot of the freedoms I have gained in my current job. In other words, "same shit, different office." So instead of burning energies and beating my head against the brick wall of a floundering economy, I will redirect those energies into my life-long dream/desire/pursuit of making money through my various artisan skills. I am an excellent craftsman and have been producing beautiful pieces for quite some time. I just haven't made any money at it. I have pondered so many potential ways to actually make my art pay, but have been unable to find the path that leads to a real potential income. Now comes the really hard part; making it a dream come true.
I have decided to try and combine my love of ancient art, my knowledge of differing styles, my hedgewitch nature, my enjoyment of working in different mediums, and my desire to create original pieces that step outside the lines. My mind is racing with ideas, plans, shopping trips for materials, researching outlets. I will have to make myself follow through; make the items then actually put a price tag on them and get them out into the real world.
This is where I usually fail, I am not a good self-promoter, but I will learn. I will learn, and I will make myself change. I will step off that ledge and slip into the unknown. I have found an area of my life that is in my control, that I can change, a change that will be totally up to me. Chances are, this will lead to other changes, some terror, more exhilaration, boldness, greater creativity, panic, chaos, accomplishment. It has potential for pain and joy, failure or success. I am not unfamiliar with the risks, having faced them many times before. But I will face them with tenacity, stubborness and bravery (real, forced or faked), because without change I am nothing, I am the same person I was 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, and that would mean I have wasted my life. To live a life without change, growth, challenges met, mountains climbed, is to live without Living. I can't do that, it is not my nature.