Monday, April 15, 2013
So many times I have wished that I could shelter myself from the brutal impact of external forces. As strong as Body is, it is not strong enough to deflect the myriad of external forces that batter at Brain and Spirit. I have felt under constant assault for far too long, and am not only battle weary but suffering from PTSD. I have become brittle and over-reactive. Only my stubborn will, coupled with dogged determination, as kept me upright and moving forward. I am fighting to alter my surroundings, remove myself from the situations that are most likely to beat holy hell out of me. One by one, I have managed, through sheer force of will and sacrifice, to rid myself of external forces that are toxic, negative, unhealthy, unhappy, bleak, dismal, and soul sucking. I have rid myself of many, but there are more waiting in line, holding their place in the queue for their chance to to be the next jack-booted thug to kick me in the teeth and toss me in the ditch. You would think that after so many years, so many attempts to beat my psyche into submission, that these bullyboys would have learned that I am not one to surrender to their heavy-handed ministrations. The best I can hope for is that I can out-stubborn them. The downside is that there is only one of me, and a seemingly endless supply of these thuggish external forces. They tag team me. Leaving me lying in a heap as they chuckle at ringside, watching me stagger to my feet, wipe the blood from my nose, and give them my best steely stare. They laugh, and send in a fresh fighter. I tell myself that it is fresh meat, a target rich environment. But I am lying to myself in a vain attempt to keep myself upright and slugging it out. If I could just beat back these hooligan external forces, keep upright long enough for the bleeding to stop, maybe a chance for a sip of water. But they just keep coming. Well, you know what? Come at me, bro, bring it on. I will do my g'damn best to keep hitting back. But damn, I am tired.