Friday, April 12, 2013
One of my finely honed skills is the ability to internalize emotions, thoughts, rants, raves, and near psychotic breaks. I keep myself on a very tight rein, and wish I didn't have to. I want to unleash the Whirlwind, in full public view, without censor. But I can't. Too much hinges on my ability to practice restraint. Instead the Whirlwind rages in my heart, mind, and soul. I feel it bruising and battering, pounding on the shell that is me, seeking escape, screaming for freedom. The brutality of it can leave me trembling, exhausted, nauseated. My head pounds, my stomach churns, my blood burns. My vision is effected, tinging the world with red. My mouth is dry, acrid. I feel as if I have swallowed a spoonful of lye. This is a near daily occurrence at different levels of intensity. Sometimes the Whirlwind is more bluster, at others it is full blown, gale force, EF-5 tornado leveling everything in its path. That was the weather report for today. EF-5. The internal carnage is devastating. The aftermath will take days to clear. I want to unleash the furies that are held so tightly within, to let them exhaust their energies pounding against something other than my psyche. But I can't. It cannot be allowed. Not now. Not in the foreseeable future. So retain my grip, hold the reins tight in both hands, grit my teeth, and hope I can ride it out.