Sometimes I think I am a magnet for psychos. Just like kittens and stray dogs, the crazies seem to find me. Maybe it is because they know I am non-confrontational, as well as disinclined to fight against unfair demands. I just try to keep them calm, then disengage and escape as soon as possible. It makes me feel like I surrender to their aggressive, intimidating tactics. Give up without a fight, It is humiliating and degrading, But yet, I know that there is no "winning" with sociopaths, people without scruples. People who are, in and of themselves, so devious and manipulative that they suspect that everyone else is the same. They can't believe that I am not trying to outsmart them, or cheat them, or somehow take advantage of a situation. They cannot imagine that I would do something just because it is the right thing to do, or that I want to help a friend. They want to know what's in it for me? If I try to convince them that I am not out to profit from a tragedy, they think I am somehow running a scam. Because that is what they would do.
We all react in ways that mirror our own personalities. I assume that people are trustworthy, honest, and will honor an agreement. Because that is what I would do. Sadly, I think I am in the minority. Today proved my point to the Nth degree. It was a brutal, stressful lesson. One that will likely cause me stressed out sleepless nights for a while.
I hate that people come into my life and damage my trust. It has happened more than a few times over the years. I fight back from it, try to return to my previous gullible, trusting self. But each time it is a little harder. It makes me feel violated. I think that this kind of emotional and psychological attack is worse than a physical attack. Physical, I could fight back, and would fight back. Emotional or psychological, I retreat and do my best to shield my inner psyche from the assault. I still come out of it feeling shellshocked, drained, physically ill. Today was spent trying to just regain a sense of balance, get my churning gut under control, reduce the tension in neck and shoulders that was causing a headache that made me feel like my scalp was being peeled off. There was a level of PTSD involved. Reacting and over-reacting. Shaking that took hours to subside. There is a reason I live where I do, trying to limit my contact with horrible people. Twice this week, the horrible people have come to me. Come to my house. Tainted my sanctuary. Invaded my life.
Hopefully, I have set things in motion to make them leave me alone, These horrid, crazy people that have sucked me into their petty universe. It is easiest just to acquiesce, so they will leave me alone. I will take the high road. Disengage and walk away. I can't let their crazy infect my sanctuary. But g'damn, it is so hard to shut it out.