Thursday, January 1, 2015

Hit The Wall

    I admit, I have hit a wall today. I am sure it is the cumulative effect of weeks of long days at a job I knew was ending, the strain of the holidays, the death of my grandmother a few days ago, the actual ending of my job, the cold weather, and an uncertain future. The downside of being borderline manic/depressive is the crash that comes after riding mania for weeks on end. It is abrupt and often brutal. Fortunately I am still able to look ahead at the exciting possibilities, and to know that they are a breath away from being reality. I am weepy and lethargic, but not curled into a fetal position crying uncontrollably. One advantage of having spent endless days in the abyss is the ability to recognize it from a distance and make heroic efforts to prevent a fall. It is easy to fall on the platitude that we all deserve to take a day off now and then, take some down time, relax, be lazy. That is for normal people. I am not normal.
    For the better part of the month of December I was able to fixate on the light at the end of the tunnel. Work kept me frenetically busy up until just about a week ago, and then there was still much to do to close up shop, and fill final orders. It was a busy month. Then yesterday, finishing up with inventory, closing up my office space, deleting cookies and browsing history, packing up the last of my things, then Exit, Stage Left, No Fanfare. It was freeing and exciting, and somehow a letdown. Now that it is done I feel a bit adrift, for today at least. I had a friend over for the afternoon, and it was so great to have someone to talk to. Then when she left the house seemed so quiet. Yes, I love my solitude and the quiet, but over the last few months I had grown accustomed to having children in the house, and other adults to talk to. At work I had friends to talk to, vent to, tell my wild ideas, and laugh. I find that I miss it. It will take some adjusting.
    I know that I need to work up a sweat, get in a solid workout, but I can't seem to find my motivation today. If you know me at all then you know that this is definitely not the norm. My workouts are like my religion, and I am devout. To skip a workout makes me feel ashamed and a bit dirty, as if I have indeed sinned against myself. here it is, 8:30 at night, and I am wrapped in my giant bathrobe to ward off the bitter cold of the winter night. Deep inside is a voice shouting to me to get moving, sweat, exhaust my body, but the voice is being muffled by the shadows that seem eager to draw me into their midst. I know better, know that I need to fight against the darkness or it will win. Some days though, it is a tough battle. Days like today.

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