Funny, when I convince myself that the voices are merely my demons, whispering falsities, scheming to drag me down into melancholy, it turns out that the voices were truly my own insights into truths that were hiding in plain sight. The nuances, so subtle as to fool the naked eye, did not fool the inner eye. My inner eye saw with clarity, but my mind would not pay heed. This has happened often enough in the past, and my writings bear this out. I have gone back and read, gone back in time and listened to my own scrambled ramblings, and seen the foreknowledge that lay in black and white for all the world to see. I have pondered this before, musing to myself, is it prescience? Am I foreseeing? Or am I writing a script that I will unconsciously play out over time? Do I somehow manage to manipulate my life to fit into some scattered idea of what is bound to happen? My writer's imagination manufacturing worst case scenarios, then following the notion, step by step, until what once seemed a paranoid fantasy becomes a foregone conclusion? I can't imagine that I am that clever, that manipulative. It is far more reasonable to conclude that I am just optimistic, naive and gullible, but deep down inside I know that my trusting nature is just leading me along the garden path, setting myself up for another failure. Each time, as I look around at the shambles my gullibility has brought about, I wish I could be less trusting, more guarded, more reserved. But I can't. It is not my nature. I can't hold myself back, keep myself in check, be the responsible grown up. It is not my nature to take it slow and cautiously. I am not reserved. I think this is where and how I fail. Leap before I look, again. I did see it coming, but had convinced myself that it was only my insecurities and rampant imagination at work. But no, it was reality. Reality sucks. So here I sit, in nappy, leopard print housecoat, rosemary tea at my elbow, shoulders aching from a punishing swim that was an attempt to leave problems in the pool, belly full of ridiculously healthy food instead of the rum and chocolate for dinner that had sounded like a solid plan earlier today. Here I sit, pouring out incoherent ramblings in an attempt to wrap Brain around the fact that I am alone again. Alone again, naturally. I will say, this time is a bit less painful, mostly because I have tangible defenses and remedies already actively in play. I have my training, and that keeps me level headed, and doped up on endorphin and dopamine. There have, and will continue to be, bouts of weeping. I can't help that. But I feel solid, stable, secure. I am not sure why, or if it will last, but for the moment I am okay. I have yet to let myself stop moving, or let Brain dwell too long over what I have lost. Okay, that is incorrect, because what I thought I had was not reality, so I imagine it can't be lost, but I still feel the loss, reality or fantasy.
Today has been rough, I won't lie, but the actuality is that it changes very little of what I have been moving towards. I still feel that I am at the dawn of new beginnings, it is just that some things end before new things can begin. And that hurts. As well as alters some of my hopes and dreams. But it will not keep me from moving forward, taking on new challenges, reaching for new stars, I still refuse to settle for the mundane, the ordinary, the plebeian. I am well down the path of a journey that has taken me to some interesting places physically, mentally and spiritually, and that will continue as planned. I am on a path to bring together Body, Brain, and Spirit into an invincible, unstoppable force. This has not changed. If anything today's events have solidified my resolve to attain balance, inner peace, and calm. I will not let myself be beaten down by woes of the heart. But I do need to learn to stop leading with my chin.
For now, tonight, I will try to suppress the wailing of my heart, at least long enough for me to get some sleep. If I can just hold my heartache at arm's length for a few days, then when I am ready to deal with it, it should have cooled down from a fierce pain, to a dull ache. Until then I will keep moving ahead, working Body until Brain and Heart are quieted. I can do this. It has happened before. I am good at being alone. Alone again, naturally.
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