In my never ending search for self understanding I am sometimes faced with a realization that I am wrong. That I make mistakes, that my decison making process isn't without flaws. I kind of hate this. It is really difficult to admit to being wrong, painfully difficult sometimes. But there it is. I am human, I am flawed. And yes, I am a bit of a lunatic. My biggest personal roadblock is my desire to maintain tight control over emotions, actions and reactions. I do not like loss of control. The few who know me well, also know this all too well. This morning I had the slightly absurd thought that it is a trait of Vulcans: they are highly logical because they are a highly emotional race, and the logic keeps the emotions in check. No, I'm not that highly logical, but my constant analysis of myself, my motivations, my needs and desires is largely so I don't shock myself or anyone else with rampant emotional outbursts. The downside of this, is that it is actually the cause of my recent, alarmingly frequent, rampant, uncontrollable emotional outbursts.
How can I find a happy medium? How can I be true to my conservative, introverted nature, and also the screamingly erratic lunatic aspect of my nature? I feel as if I have a wide schism within my own psyche that I somehow need to bridge.
Because of this schism, I feel as if so many aspects of my personality are in flux, as I try to find that middle road, try to find the right path to sanity, peace, harmony and contentment. Sadly, I think this schism has alienated friends who see the irrational behaviors, the changing persona, the seemingly irreconcileable aspects of my personality, and realize that I can be a very high mainainence and uneasy friend to have. This is one of the reasons I spend so much time alone, separate myself from humanity, choose to cloister myself far from the hub of those I might love: I am trying to protect my friends from my fluid, manic nature and bizarre behaviors. What this does, I have realized, is cause the behaviors to have free rein. There are no natural barriers or floodgates to slow the tempest as it rages towards shore. I have cut myself off from what few moderators I used to allow myself. I don't know if it is because I have a bit of the "sink or swim" mentality? If I can't manage my own disorders by myself, how can I inflict them upon others?
It seems like the few times in my life when I felt the closest thing to contentment I seem to manage, is when I have submerged some vital part of my nature to hide it in a dark corner, and away from public eyes. I do this because I think that some aspects of my nature are not appealing to most people. But really, aren't we all a mixture of light and dark? Is it wrong to think that I should be loved for every aspect of my nature, every quirky, crazy, dark aspect? What happens instead, is the hidden parts of my nature will finally bubble to the surface, erupting under the pressure of being forced to lie dormant. This is is very damaging to those around me, relationships, my ego, my sanity. It is not how I want to live my life. I want to be able to embrace every aspect of my nature, allow each entity to come out and play without fear of schoolyard taunts. To just have one person see all parts of me, and accept, appreciate and love every bit of Me. Mostly, I need to let my nature run free, accept myself for exactly who I am, feel no fear of exposing the real me.
We all show different faces to the different people in our lives. It is how we can manage to function in a world of individuals. Truely, there are aspects of every person that may be abrasive and unpleasant to those around them, it is unavoidable. By submerging some aspects of our nature we are in truth just trying to make life a little easier for all involved. But I want to be able to reach a point where I have become accepting enough of every aspect of my own nature that I can live comfortably within my own skin.
Truely though, what I think I have done is exacerbate the problems by adding abject lonliness to the already overloaded melange of crazy. Now, I can't imagine anyone wanting to spend more than a few hours in the blast zone. Good thing I am working so hard to achieve self acceptance, I'm the only steady companionship I have right now.