Saturday, January 21, 2012

Not To Be Ignored

    As any who know me are all too aware, I am over-analytical. To a fault. To myself and others. My relationships, other's relationships. My life, other people's lives. But most especially myself. I analyze and dissect to a point of OCD compulsion. I lie awake at night, or wake pre-dawn, analyzing my thoughts, actions and reactions. When I am alone (which is most of the time) I run through past conversations and communications in my brain picking apart every nuance. I script dialogues in my mind, editing, tweaking and refining them even though I know they are conversations that will most likely never take place since they are often relating to situations I need to just let go of and step away. I really want to know why I do what I do, how to change self-destructive behaviors, when to sever unhealthy relationships, how to extricate myself from negative situations, how to manage the intolerable aspects of life that I can't get away from at this particular junction. But the obsessive analysis in and of itself can be unhealthy and self-destructive.
    Self-analysis can initiate growth and change. Though I admit, I will approach change cautiously, carefully, and after much pondering of all the angles. Some think I make quick, definitive choices, and am not easily swayed from my path. What they don't realize is that behind every seeming rash decision are probably hundreds of hours of thought in an attempt to consider the problem from every perspective I can. I will consider the ways that my choices affect all those around me, especially those closest to me. I will hesitate if I think my decisions will harm someone or affect them in a negative way. I have delayed many choices in life over the fact that although the choice is what is definitely best for me, it has the potential to cause suffering for another. Some situations have have taken me years to try and resolve, despite my own internal angst, because of how those choices will affect another. Empathy is a brutal master.
    I have begun to understand that my over-analysis of myself and my situations is rooted in my empathic and introverted nature. As an Empath, I feel what others feel and need, understand how we are all connected, how the ripples of my actions will affect those around me. And as an Empath, I really do care how others feel, and how I make others feel. This makes many interactions uncomfortable, painful or anxiety ridden for me. As an Introvert, I take in information easily but don't neccessarily process it quickly. I hear/feel/see something and take it away to my little burrow to roll it around in my head, probe it with my mind, poke it with a stick, sniff it, study it, pick it apart and try to come to a deeper understanding of it. It may seem that I do not learn some things quickly (especially if I am under the stress of having to actually talk with someone), but it is just that I want my solitude to fully understand the idea and all its nuances. To use a well-worn '70s sci-fi concept; to fully Grok the knowledge.
    What does all this mumbo-jumbo mean? Hell if I know, I'm just over-analyzing and trying to get thoughts written into comprehensible concepts... yes, so I can continue to over-analyze, study and understand myself. I do know that my self-evaluations have led me down some strange paths recently, as I have extricated myself from the well-worn track of life that I was circling, lap after lap, wondering why I wasn't getting anywhere, then wondering how I could step off of the easy comfort of the known and tread into the frightening unknown. The unknown that I knew must be traveled alone. Which brings me back to the Introvert aspect of my nature. An Introvert is not likely to ask for help, accept help if offered, expect anyone else to solve their problems. An Introvert relies on looking inward to find solutions, not outward hoping for salvation. My tendency to analyze, study and attempt to make changes within myself and with my life does cause me more grief than some might imagine. Change is difficult and often painful, but when I see the need, and fully understand the neccessity, I am willing to accept the pain and suffering of myself, and yes of others if need be. I am willing to bear my load of guilt, knowing how my actions affect those I love. But I am also willing to take my life by the rudder and guide myself through changes that are imperative to my sanity, health and emotional well-being, largely because I do analyze and understand that changes must be made. I can't live a static life. I cannot see changes that must be made and hide my head in the sand hoping they will resolve themselves. Yes, some situations will eventually work themselves out if given enough time, but how much time can we waste, as mere mortals with limited time on this world? I know I cannot afford to waste my life waiting for changes, hoping that my life will eventually work itself out. I know what I need and want from life and can't let myself just sit back and hope that eventually the gods will see fit to hand me my heart's desires. Pursuing dreams, forcing change, grabbing and holding onto what I want and need out of life is where my over-analyzing, introspective, emapthic, introverted nature leads me. It is my nature and therefore not to be ignored. 

No comments:

Post a Comment