Thursday, April 14, 2011

Still the Optimist

It has been an interestingly optimistic week. I am hopeful that this long damned winter and the soul-crushing depression that accompanied it are finally behind me. At least I have been granted a reprieve from the darkest space I have ever inhabited, and I will claw and fight to stay out of that abyss. They say if you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. My abyss doesn't stare, that would be mildly annoying but tolerable. My abyss sucks me in with the irresistable power of a black hole without the potentially cool wormhole, sci-fi, side effects.
But enough about the shadow that is in my rearview mirror today. Back to my optimistic week. Have I mentioned that, despite several mental health issues, I am an eternal Optimist? I am. Truely I am.
It started last week with the arrival of my awesomely cool new business cards. What business you may ask? The business of Me. I have decided that my skills are indeed marketable, I just need to start my own marketing campaign. Hence this blog (cleaned up for public viewing) and my new, self-serving website. I have my own domain *go me*. So, business cards in hand, I feel official.
The next little happy making moment came when I won a contest. I NEVER win anything. And I won a package of fabulous, natural skin care products which currently have me feeling silky smooth and smelling of Lemongrass. I feel sassy.
Close upon the heels of this, I finished my taxes. Yes, I do owe State and Federal. A lot to State. But the paperwork is done and that is one more stressful task I have conquered.
The completion of the taxes inadvertantly led to the next little yahoo moment. I went into Chase Bank for a few counter checks, so I could send off my rent and my payment to the Feds. They informed me that counter checks were no longer free, "we are not a non-profit bank." Well, the bastards aren't going to be MY bank much longer. It was the final straw, the last cut, the point of no return. Two days later I walked into a credit union and opened a new account. The highlight of this is finding out that after years of struggling to repair damaged credit and assuming my credit score was beyond redemption, it turns out that I actually have stellar credit. Not an A+ but an A. Good enough for me.
This has pressed me into the current phase of over-excitement, which makes me feel that I may finally be moving into Manic Mode, I am going to seriously pursue buying my own home. And I have found one that is haunting my dreams. It is clean and in decent repair, so there isn't a slew of backbreaking chores to be done before the place is liveable. It has acreage, trees and no neighbors. It is what I have been looking for. Not quite my hermit cabin in the woods, but closing in on it. I am charging ahead with my usual reckless abandon. Leap before I Look, as is my nature. But truely, I have thought long and hard over the pros and cons of home ownership, so in reality I am going ahead, eyes wide open.
I need to have a purpose. A reason to keep putting one foot in front of another. Something other than my obsessive compulsive personality that makes routine and habit easily become the driving force that moves me from one activity to the next, one day to the next. I know I need more, and now that I am no longer entangled in the black web of winter I can move outside of the routine that has allowed me to keep my head above water.
It is time to move forward, into something new and exciting. The next chapter.

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