I can't get past this chronic feeling that something has got to give. That here is something just over the horizon, waiting or lurking. I have been tiptoeing along the edge of an abyss, one that is familiar and yet not. I know change needs to happen, but what that change is I can't quite nail down. I have been spending much of my waking hours, and some of my dream state as well, mulling over what I want/need/should do. I have slipped into a feeling of suspended animation. I can't seem to get anything done, because there is so much to do. I can't seem to make decisions, because there is so much that needs to change. There is a great pressure in my chest, in my skull, in my heart, that feels as if it will explode upon the world, either in a fantastic maelstrom, or a gory mess.
It is no secret that I try to force change, often well before it is time. But right now I feel as if I don't make a change I will be stuck in this state of lethargy, torpor, stupor, hibernation, until it is too late to make a change. I will become shadow of myself, a specter, going through the motions of my life without actually living. I am tired of where I am at, and since I am not a tree, I can move. But where do I go from here?
No, I am not talking about anything as simple as moving from one residence to another. Besides, I love my shaggy little house, it is my shelter from the ravages of the world. What I am talking here is a move of greater significance. A need for a spiritual shift, a creative convergence, an artistic alluvium. I need to drag myself out of my current rut, the quagmire I am wallowing in that is stifling my desire to build and create. The muck of stress that holds me in its pervasive grip, and tries to suck me into the mire of self pity and melancholy. I can't give in, but I am finding myself nearly helpless to fight my way out.
I tell myself I am just having an off day, off week, okay, actually an off month or two. My triathlon training has faltered, my nutrition has suffered, my projects are lying unfinished, my garden is barely planted, my house is in chaos. Every night I psyche myself up, "Tomorrow I am going to jump into working on..." fill in the blank with a dozen different ideas/schemes/projects. And every morning I can barely drag myself out of bed. I want to sit with a book and a cup of tea, all day long. All damned day long. The first few times I told myself I deserved a day of rest. But this has become a habit. Yeah, sure, not a habit that has been going on for more than a few days, really, but too many days nonetheless.
It all comes down to that feeling that something has got to give. Something is hanging over me, a ponderous, massive, unknown Thing. I can't put my finger on it. Try as I might I cannot figure this out. Search and research, analyze and over-analyze, over-thinking to the point of obsession, and I still cannot wrap my Brain around an answer, solution, or even a direction to go. I am floundering, and it makes me want to curl up in my room and hide from reality. Something has got to give. For now, I will just have to sleep on it, again. But I am losing my mind, again. Maybe tomorrow I will at least get something done.