Thankfully the weather has been good, because I am definitely going through a rough patch. It always happens at this time of year, and I do all I can to head it off at the pass, but it doesn't take much to derail me. In this case, a very minor case of a broken heart. No, nothing dramatic, just the end of a friendship that was fun while it lasted. The downside comes about in the form of a constant, nagging question: Why am I never The One? In this particular case we both knew that we were not cut out to be partners, soulmates, or even a long term situation. We had been open and honest from the first moment, which is a new and wonderful experience for me. But having it come to an end, knowing he has moved on to someone that he deems a potential life partner, and possibly "The One" has left me just a little bereft. Why am I never The One? There is not a single relationship in my life that I can point to and say "of all the people in the world, he found me and fought to keep me." No one makes gallant efforts to woo me, and keep me. I am always that Girl on The Side, the girl to make merry with while waiting for someone more suitable. Second choice after being rejected by numero uno. The rebound. A stopgap measure. It makes me question my desirability, especially as I have gotten older. I've cried about it before, feeling left behind, not good enough, not the right fit. I don't cry about it anymore, those are wasted tears, Honestly, of those that have cast me aside, allowed me to drift away, or downright abused my love and loyalty, not a one of them deserved me. I know this. I know they were not the right fit, and could not have satisfied me. In the end, no matter how I might have tried, I would (or have) walked away. That knowledge doesn't make me any less lonely during the brief moments when I am too busy to feel lonely. Yes, Pity Party For One.
I know this feeling will pass. My heart will take a day or two to stop aching. I have built my armor well, it is durable with nary a chink. Someday though, I would like a chance to set aside the armor. Let myself go unprotected. Feel the warm breezes of freedom on my soul. Let my heart wander free and off-leash. But not today. Not tomorrow. Possibly not ever.