Friday, June 27, 2014

Pleasant Diversion

    It has been a strange week, a difficult week. I keep finding myself skirting the rim of melancholy, and diving into my bag of tricks to try and maintain my equilibrium. So far it is working, barely. Triggers keep getting bumped, and I have to struggle to keep from falling.
    It is not often that I talk specifics, but let me indulge myself just a bit. Lately I have been surrounded by people getting married. I kid you not, they are everywhere. This is making my subconscious launch an attack on my psyche, sending me a barrage of happily-ever-after dreams, which dredge up middle of the night woe-is-me loneliness. Between my subconscious, and in your face Facebook posts it has been thought provoking, and a bit dismal. This week I came to the conclusion that where relationships go, especially the last 15 years or so, I think that I am just a pleasant diversion. I seem to attract people who are hung up on their past relationship, to the point of near obsession. Is it because I am a good listener, and willing to openly discuss their marital woes? Or do I just seem to stumble upon people who can't seem to let go of destructive, toxic relationships? I am not sure. But as I listen to tales of damaged histories, epic battles, raging bitches, and current interactions, I do my best to keep an open mind, analyzing and arbitrating as is my nature. Eventually I reach that point of critical mass when I realize that once again I am just a pleasant diversion, a safe haven for a brief respite from the battle. It is a curious position I find myself in. Oddly, I can look far back in time to my very first boyfriend and see that even then I was in the same role, as I heard him on the phone to his ex, Anita, on his 17th birthday, he was crying. He did admit that Anita was his best friend's wife. Four years later, yes, it took me four years to extricate myself from that particularly toxic relationship, and I hook up with my older brother's best friend, who, not surprisingly, is still hung up on his ex who he just called The Girl. Yes, I got to overhear phone conversations in that relationship too. And so it goes. My marriage was the one exception to the rule. My most recent breakup, well, it was 6 months ago, was no different. He is back with his "Psychobitch" ex-wife, no surprise there, though I had pissed him off when I told him I knew he was still hung up on her.
    So, here is the question, or questions: Are damaged, broken men, still hung up on their ex-wives attracted to me for some unknown reason? Or, am I attracted to that type of broken person, hoping that the power of my love will heal them? Or, are most men hung up on raving, psychobitch exes? I am beginning to think that men are attracted to women who mistreat them, and that they get a perverse enjoyment out of the abuse. I am also convinced that one of my fatal flaws is that I am too nice, too nurturing, too easy to live with. Maybe I just don't present enough of a challenge? But, the point is moot. I am in as much of a relationship as I care to be in. We see each other rarely, have a great time when we do, part ways on good terms, there is no guilt over conflicting schedules or cancelled dates. It is almost as if we have a verbal contract to enjoy as much as the other has to offer, and expect no more than can be freely and easily given. And, I don't have to compromise my easy, giving nature.
    So, there it is, one of this week's trigger points, the sore spot that is like a fresh bruise waiting to be bumped. Now I will move on, I don't have the time or energy for prolonged pity parties, preferring to analyze, criticize, and move on. And once in a while it is nice to vent, air my dirty laundry, and then get back to the business of living a chaotic, active life that leaves me so very little time for such petty nonsense.

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