Monday, April 28, 2014
Rambling Pep Talk
There are days when I feel beat up, beaten down, and struggle against feelings of defeat. It isn't easy going through life alone, working so hard to make ends meet, taking care of all the little things that keep life moving along, fixing broken vehicles that I can't afford to take to a mechanic (or just staring blankly at them, in some cases), plumbing, painting, wiring, mowing, pruning, slashing, burning, planting. Not to mention cooking and cleaning, keeping myself well fed and decently clothed. Let's not forget the Fire District, with a weekly drill night, and random pager tones that can go off at any time, night or day, calling me out to anything. And then there is the Ironman training to add a whole different dimension to an already complicated and busy life. I choose to go through life alone because I don't have time to spare to try and build a relationship. I choose to go through life alone because I have already wasted so much time and energy on relationships that went nowhere and benefited me very little. (If anyone is wondering, I do not put my marriage into this category. My marriage, though it ended after 15 years, was a mutually beneficial partnership with a very nice man that produced two fantastic sons, and I have absolutely no regrets in that department. In case anyone was wondering.) So here I am, sipping my rosemary, sage, mint tea, alone, overwhelmed by the accumulation of broken vehicles, dirty dishes, tired feet, and low bank account, having a lonely little pity party of one. I choose to be alone, and yet cry out to the universe over the injustice of having to toil through a lonely life, without the benefit of a partner. See; Pity Party. Some nights I just can't help myself. It was a tough day at work, I'm stressed over finances, but I get home thinking I will fire up the motorcycle and get him ready to ride to work the rest of the week. Guess what? He won't start. He turns over just fine, but wont fire. He has never done that before. It is devastating, he has always been one friend I could rely on. And then to top it all off I have had so many reminders of happy couples seemingly thrown in my face at every turn. Everywhere I look, everyone I know seems to be in a happy relationship. Hell, even my meathead younger brother who has struggled with substance abuse all his life, has been with a wonderful woman for over a year, and has been sober for the last 6 months. Everyone is hooking up but me. It is weird, feeling like the only single person in the universe. Yes, I know that is not true, really. But within my little universe it seems to be the truth. Remember; Pity Party. What this all boils down to, knowing myself as I do, is an over reaction to stress as I flirt with the edges of depression. Yes, Spring is here, but this is often a really tough time of the year for me. I know I need to keep my head down and just keep moving ahead, but it isn't easy. I get so tired, and yet keep doing exhausting things. I don't know of any other way to cope and deal. Just keep moving, pushing, reaching, striving, painting, pruning, planting, mowing. I will keep fixing what is broken, painting what is dull, pruning away dead limbs, planting seeds of change. I will do it alone because I choose to. I will battle loneliness and despair, combat it with activity and training. I will continue to burn the candle at both ends, falling into bed each night exhausted, knowing I did not waste a moment of my precious time. Too much time has been wasted already. But g'damn it is tiring, and difficult to do it all alone. But in all honesty, I know that I do so much more because I am alone. It is the rock and the hard place. But I chose this. It is my choice.