I'm going to call a spade a spade: I am an antisocial malcontent. This may come as a shock to some. Friends and family that see me as a gregarious, helpful optimist would be disinclined to see me for what I really am. Antisocial Malcontent. I do like the way it rolls off the tongue. I like the power behind the words. I accept the truth behind the words.
I know I will have to defend my self-diagnosis against naysayers and non-believers. Just a few of the more obvious symptoms of the antisocial aspect include: avoidance of social situations unless absolutely essential; phone phobia; a compulsive desire to never leave my home; prefering my dogs' company to that of humans; a slew of excuses to to miss parties; panic at the thought of having to enter a group; a perverse desire to always buck the system; intentional isolation; and declining offers to "join".
And malcontent? I have discovered that I am rarely ever content. I feel as if I constantly compromise my hopes and dreams and "settle" for something less. Or that by choosing one path I must sacrifice something else. To make a career change to a fulfilling job I will likely lose access to my sport and hobby. Too many rejections in my chosen career have made me switch to seeking lesser desired, lower paying positions. I love my solitude, but cannot afford to live alone. And so in creeps the malcontent. I know that even if my current irons in the fire produce results, the success will be bitter-sweet. Is it wrong to want it all? Career, money, success, play, love, privacy, fulfillment. Apparently it is too much to ask. I think I will be lucky to get 2 out of 6. And this makes me bitter.
So you see, Antisocial Malcontent. And this is really just scratching the surface. I am okay with the truth of my self-diagnosis, but will not resist if life finally decides that I am allowed to have it all, not just a few scraps.