I admit, I have hit a wall today. I am sure it is the cumulative effect of weeks of long days at a job I knew was ending, the strain of the holidays, the death of my grandmother a few days ago, the actual ending of my job, the cold weather, and an uncertain future. The downside of being borderline manic/depressive is the crash that comes after riding mania for weeks on end. It is abrupt and often brutal. Fortunately I am still able to look ahead at the exciting possibilities, and to know that they are a breath away from being reality. I am weepy and lethargic, but not curled into a fetal position crying uncontrollably. One advantage of having spent endless days in the abyss is the ability to recognize it from a distance and make heroic efforts to prevent a fall. It is easy to fall on the platitude that we all deserve to take a day off now and then, take some down time, relax, be lazy. That is for normal people. I am not normal.
For the better part of the month of December I was able to fixate on the light at the end of the tunnel. Work kept me frenetically busy up until just about a week ago, and then there was still much to do to close up shop, and fill final orders. It was a busy month. Then yesterday, finishing up with inventory, closing up my office space, deleting cookies and browsing history, packing up the last of my things, then Exit, Stage Left, No Fanfare. It was freeing and exciting, and somehow a letdown. Now that it is done I feel a bit adrift, for today at least. I had a friend over for the afternoon, and it was so great to have someone to talk to. Then when she left the house seemed so quiet. Yes, I love my solitude and the quiet, but over the last few months I had grown accustomed to having children in the house, and other adults to talk to. At work I had friends to talk to, vent to, tell my wild ideas, and laugh. I find that I miss it. It will take some adjusting.
I know that I need to work up a sweat, get in a solid workout, but I can't seem to find my motivation today. If you know me at all then you know that this is definitely not the norm. My workouts are like my religion, and I am devout. To skip a workout makes me feel ashamed and a bit dirty, as if I have indeed sinned against myself. here it is, 8:30 at night, and I am wrapped in my giant bathrobe to ward off the bitter cold of the winter night. Deep inside is a voice shouting to me to get moving, sweat, exhaust my body, but the voice is being muffled by the shadows that seem eager to draw me into their midst. I know better, know that I need to fight against the darkness or it will win. Some days though, it is a tough battle. Days like today.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Happy New Year!
Here I am, on the cusp of a new year. Midnight is 25 minutes away, and with it the first moments of 2015. It has been an odd ending to what has been an exciting and adventurous year.
Having my job come to a close was more emotionally draining than I had expected. It was an odd combination of fear of the unknown, sadness and a sense of loss, coupled with sheer exhilaration at all the possibilities now opening up before my like an exotic flower. I have not been sleeping well these last few weeks. At first it was because of the zaniness of internet retail during the holiday shopping season. As that was winding down and there was time to breathe, I began to feel the looming loss, which did its best to keep me sleep deprived. As if that weren't enough, suddenly Brain kicked into high gear with myriad of possibilities. My mind went into overdrive thinking of exciting, creative avenues that I am now free to follow. Suffice to say, I need to get caught up on my sleep. Now I sit on the edge of the new year, unemployed, or, as I prefer, self-employed, I am ready to leap into the unknown, and I am fucking excited. Exhausted, drained, a little sad, but excited as hell. So excited that I actually skipped several parties I was invited to, and had all intentions of attending, because I went into a flurry of cleaning and organizing in my desire to be able to start working on a prototype for a new business venture. Yes, I am being a bit secretive. Let's just say I think I have finally figured out an untapped market for creations that will let me use some of my mad skills.
This last year has let me push myself physically farther than I would have imagined just a few short years ago. And has also let me imagine how much further I can go. I have not seen the limits of my strength, and am eager to keep pushing my boundaries. I love pushing myself, finding a limit and pushing against it until it is no longer limiting. Yes, this does keep me sore and tired a good bit of the time, but I love every minute of it.
Nine minutes until midnight. Yes, home alone, just me and the dogs. Yes, I did get in a good, sweaty cycling workout, and make myself a beautifully healthy dinner. My festive splurge was herbal tea and dark, organic chocolate. Home alone, but not lonely, I am great company.
Funny, now that I am not required to live by an alarm clock or work schedule, I am in a hurry to "get things done." That's what Brain keeps telling me, "C'mon, let's Get Things Done!" I want to rush through getting my home and workspace organized, rush out to buy supplies, design, draw, cut, tool, stitch. I want to dive in and get busy. I am so excited by the prospect of where I am heading that I am scatterbrained, hyperactive, distracted, attention deficit. It is making me a bit crazy.
Three, two, one... Happy New Year! And it will be. Happy, New, Exciting, Adventurous.
Having my job come to a close was more emotionally draining than I had expected. It was an odd combination of fear of the unknown, sadness and a sense of loss, coupled with sheer exhilaration at all the possibilities now opening up before my like an exotic flower. I have not been sleeping well these last few weeks. At first it was because of the zaniness of internet retail during the holiday shopping season. As that was winding down and there was time to breathe, I began to feel the looming loss, which did its best to keep me sleep deprived. As if that weren't enough, suddenly Brain kicked into high gear with myriad of possibilities. My mind went into overdrive thinking of exciting, creative avenues that I am now free to follow. Suffice to say, I need to get caught up on my sleep. Now I sit on the edge of the new year, unemployed, or, as I prefer, self-employed, I am ready to leap into the unknown, and I am fucking excited. Exhausted, drained, a little sad, but excited as hell. So excited that I actually skipped several parties I was invited to, and had all intentions of attending, because I went into a flurry of cleaning and organizing in my desire to be able to start working on a prototype for a new business venture. Yes, I am being a bit secretive. Let's just say I think I have finally figured out an untapped market for creations that will let me use some of my mad skills.
This last year has let me push myself physically farther than I would have imagined just a few short years ago. And has also let me imagine how much further I can go. I have not seen the limits of my strength, and am eager to keep pushing my boundaries. I love pushing myself, finding a limit and pushing against it until it is no longer limiting. Yes, this does keep me sore and tired a good bit of the time, but I love every minute of it.
Nine minutes until midnight. Yes, home alone, just me and the dogs. Yes, I did get in a good, sweaty cycling workout, and make myself a beautifully healthy dinner. My festive splurge was herbal tea and dark, organic chocolate. Home alone, but not lonely, I am great company.
Funny, now that I am not required to live by an alarm clock or work schedule, I am in a hurry to "get things done." That's what Brain keeps telling me, "C'mon, let's Get Things Done!" I want to rush through getting my home and workspace organized, rush out to buy supplies, design, draw, cut, tool, stitch. I want to dive in and get busy. I am so excited by the prospect of where I am heading that I am scatterbrained, hyperactive, distracted, attention deficit. It is making me a bit crazy.
Three, two, one... Happy New Year! And it will be. Happy, New, Exciting, Adventurous.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Cleanse and Purge, Preparing For The New Year
I am already taking steps towards making 2015 a productive year. Today, having the house to myself, and a cancellation of my plans for sushi and shopping with my friend, I kicked into high manic mode and started cleaning and purging. There is so much clutter involved when you have a houseful of people. It can't really be helped unless everyone is as OCD about clutter as I can be, especially at this time of year. Before I moved into my snug, little house, I made a goal to rid myself of 50% of everything I possessed. Granted, when you have lived in one house for 5 years, with teenagers, it is easy to accumulate way too much crap, so riding myself of the bulk of that 50% was actually pretty easy. Since I moved I have continued to have bouts of purging (I sound bulimic), and I still have too much stuff. I would love to reach the point where I have very little that must be stored in boxes and bins. I want to get down to bins of seasonal decor, fabric, and craft supplies only. I have a cedar chest that has mementos, mostly of my sons' childhood, and that can remain untouched. But how much "stuff" does one person need? Not as much as we all seem to think we do. I still have things stored away that I haven't needed since I moved in 3 years ago, I think it is safe to say that I don't need them.
Funny, it just occurred to me that I just hit the 3 year anniversary of buying my little house. Three years ago, the weekend before Christmas, I spent the first night in my own home. It was freezing cold, the house had been unheated for months, and the central heat did not work. It was so cold that I shivered all night long, and barely slept, but I was so excited to be buying my very own home, that I picked out all by myself, and financed all on my own, that the cold was worth it. That was a rough winter, I hit the lowest I have ever been, but the entire time I poured all my energy into making my house into my very own, colorful home. My sanctuary. A dream come true. Oh the difference a few years can make!
Okay, enough dawdling at the computer (well actually I am taking a moment to eat some baked winter veggies to refuel for more work and a workout), time to get back to work. I love my home, I love my life.
Funny, it just occurred to me that I just hit the 3 year anniversary of buying my little house. Three years ago, the weekend before Christmas, I spent the first night in my own home. It was freezing cold, the house had been unheated for months, and the central heat did not work. It was so cold that I shivered all night long, and barely slept, but I was so excited to be buying my very own home, that I picked out all by myself, and financed all on my own, that the cold was worth it. That was a rough winter, I hit the lowest I have ever been, but the entire time I poured all my energy into making my house into my very own, colorful home. My sanctuary. A dream come true. Oh the difference a few years can make!
Okay, enough dawdling at the computer (well actually I am taking a moment to eat some baked winter veggies to refuel for more work and a workout), time to get back to work. I love my home, I love my life.
2015, Leap of Faith Year.
Another year is coming to a close. I have to say that 2014 has been one of my best years ever. My demons took a backseat, and only came out to play a few times. When they did arrive, their attempts at derailing me seemed half-hearted and feeble. My inner strength seems to have been increasing alongside my outer strength. I do think that having solid fitness goals has helped keep Brain on track. This really is no surprise as I have always known that if I keep Body strong it helps shelter and defend Brain and Spirit. Keeping my life simple goes hand in hand with keeping Body strong. Limiting emotional distress caused by external forces (i.e. unsatisfying and/or toxic relationships) has been key in maintaining stability.
I can't say that the year has been without its obvious stress points. I have had a houseful since mid-August, and that has been a bit mind-blowing. But I made the offer, and it is coming to an end soon. It has given me an opportunity to get to know new family, and renew the bond with my son. So despite the obvious chaos and stress of small children and extra dogs, it has overall been a good thing, though I think we all are ready for a change. Soon though.
2014 was a year of physical challenges, self-imposed and intentionally intimidating. I came through in the absolute best shape of my life. Strong, fit, long and lean, rising to the challenge, and ready to do it again. I trained hard all year, sometimes to the exclusion of all else, and I am ready to do it all again. I am already stronger than I was last summer, intentionally letting my running and cycling ease off to focus on strength training and core conditioning. Soon enough I will be back in the wind, focusing on speed work, building my aerobic base, and increasing endurance and stamina. It is going to be a great race year, culminating once again with the Epic 250K in September.
October of 2014 did bring a shock when I was called into the boss' office and informed that they were closing my department at the end of the year and I would be out of a job. Yes, I broke down and cried once I left his office. I am single, have a mortgage, and fall into the category of "less employable." I know that is a bit defeatist sounding, but statistics show that women in their fifties are "the new unemployable" no matter how fit and awesome I am. Also, I do not have a college degree, and my work history has been varied, and often blue-collar. I know I am a great generalist who can learn almost anything and excel at it, but most companies want specialists with college degrees whether the degree means jack shit or not, they just want that sheepskin. After a day of oh-my-gods-what-am-I-gonna-do I got down to brass tacks and started formulating a plan. Of course at first I started looking at the jobs listings and came to the early conclusion that I didn't want "same shit different office." I don't want to keep working 40 hours a week making money for someone else while they pay me less than I am worth. If I am going to struggle on the edge of poverty I want to do it on my own terms, for my own desires, to create my own works, to make money for myself. I have chosen to look at unemployment as a golden opportunity to build up a few business concepts that will make me a decent supplemental income so that I can actually retire in 10 years instead of being forced to work into my 70's to make ends meet on a meager Social Security income. Yes, I do know that I will have to rejoin the workforce at some point in 2015, but I want to be able to do it on my terms, and hopefully less than full time.
On a side note, one of my first thoughts after getting over the shock of pending unemployment was the joyous thought, "Oh my gods, just think of how much time I will have to workout and train!" Hell, maybe I can pretend I am a professional athlete long enough to get to the start line rock solid and in absolute peak condition! This excites me more than you can imagine.
The first weekend of 2015 will add another notch to my belt, I begin Fire Investigation 200. An area of firefighting that has intrigued and interested me far longer than I have been with the department. With bunker gear in one hand and a notepad in the other, I am beyond excited for class to start.
Another fun part of 2014 has been finding a part-time relationship that fills the physical and emotional void, and helps keep Brain, Body, and Spirit on track more than any past relationship has managed. In the past, relationships have been a trigger point for most of my deepest adventures into the abyss. Too much emotional energy was spilled out into the void with very little return on my investment, which left me a hollow shell of what I need to be. Now, through one small leap of faith, and an oddly random nudge by fate, I have slipped easily into an affair that has none of the guilt or emotional drain that I have felt in the past. Instead it is mature and satisfying on both sides, since we entered into it with eyes wide open, knowing our own and each other's parameters, limitations, and desires. Up front, no bullshit, no lies, no grief, no guilt. There are never any recriminations for lack of time. No insecurities if we don't communicate for weeks at a time. And when we do have time the world falls away and the focus is only on us. It is strange, non-traditional, and exactly what I need. Funny how things work out when you stop trying to force the issue, decide what it is you truly need and want, and then put that out into the world. I am not one to have a traditional relationship, they are too demanding of my time and energy, too needy, and cause me too much stress wanting to make everyone happy. I have found what makes me happy, and that is enough. Oddly, it is inspiring me to start a new blog soon, of freedom found, and the joys of getting what you want, no matter how off-beat, nontraditional, unconditional, wild and crazy, more than a bit kinky, and on my own terms.
As Fun as 2014 has been, I am so excited for 2015. Life is what You make of it, no one else can take the blame or the credit, it is all on You. As of January 1st, 2015, I will be unemployed and free to start a whole new chapter in the rollercoaster that is life. I have already started writing the introduction, and can barely wait to start on page one. 2015 will be exciting, exhausting, educating, alarming, sexy, fun, difficult, deviant, daring. It will call on me to do something I am good at: Leap Before I Look. 2015 will be the Leap of Faith Year.
I can't say that the year has been without its obvious stress points. I have had a houseful since mid-August, and that has been a bit mind-blowing. But I made the offer, and it is coming to an end soon. It has given me an opportunity to get to know new family, and renew the bond with my son. So despite the obvious chaos and stress of small children and extra dogs, it has overall been a good thing, though I think we all are ready for a change. Soon though.
2014 was a year of physical challenges, self-imposed and intentionally intimidating. I came through in the absolute best shape of my life. Strong, fit, long and lean, rising to the challenge, and ready to do it again. I trained hard all year, sometimes to the exclusion of all else, and I am ready to do it all again. I am already stronger than I was last summer, intentionally letting my running and cycling ease off to focus on strength training and core conditioning. Soon enough I will be back in the wind, focusing on speed work, building my aerobic base, and increasing endurance and stamina. It is going to be a great race year, culminating once again with the Epic 250K in September.
October of 2014 did bring a shock when I was called into the boss' office and informed that they were closing my department at the end of the year and I would be out of a job. Yes, I broke down and cried once I left his office. I am single, have a mortgage, and fall into the category of "less employable." I know that is a bit defeatist sounding, but statistics show that women in their fifties are "the new unemployable" no matter how fit and awesome I am. Also, I do not have a college degree, and my work history has been varied, and often blue-collar. I know I am a great generalist who can learn almost anything and excel at it, but most companies want specialists with college degrees whether the degree means jack shit or not, they just want that sheepskin. After a day of oh-my-gods-what-am-I-gonna-do I got down to brass tacks and started formulating a plan. Of course at first I started looking at the jobs listings and came to the early conclusion that I didn't want "same shit different office." I don't want to keep working 40 hours a week making money for someone else while they pay me less than I am worth. If I am going to struggle on the edge of poverty I want to do it on my own terms, for my own desires, to create my own works, to make money for myself. I have chosen to look at unemployment as a golden opportunity to build up a few business concepts that will make me a decent supplemental income so that I can actually retire in 10 years instead of being forced to work into my 70's to make ends meet on a meager Social Security income. Yes, I do know that I will have to rejoin the workforce at some point in 2015, but I want to be able to do it on my terms, and hopefully less than full time.
On a side note, one of my first thoughts after getting over the shock of pending unemployment was the joyous thought, "Oh my gods, just think of how much time I will have to workout and train!" Hell, maybe I can pretend I am a professional athlete long enough to get to the start line rock solid and in absolute peak condition! This excites me more than you can imagine.
The first weekend of 2015 will add another notch to my belt, I begin Fire Investigation 200. An area of firefighting that has intrigued and interested me far longer than I have been with the department. With bunker gear in one hand and a notepad in the other, I am beyond excited for class to start.
Another fun part of 2014 has been finding a part-time relationship that fills the physical and emotional void, and helps keep Brain, Body, and Spirit on track more than any past relationship has managed. In the past, relationships have been a trigger point for most of my deepest adventures into the abyss. Too much emotional energy was spilled out into the void with very little return on my investment, which left me a hollow shell of what I need to be. Now, through one small leap of faith, and an oddly random nudge by fate, I have slipped easily into an affair that has none of the guilt or emotional drain that I have felt in the past. Instead it is mature and satisfying on both sides, since we entered into it with eyes wide open, knowing our own and each other's parameters, limitations, and desires. Up front, no bullshit, no lies, no grief, no guilt. There are never any recriminations for lack of time. No insecurities if we don't communicate for weeks at a time. And when we do have time the world falls away and the focus is only on us. It is strange, non-traditional, and exactly what I need. Funny how things work out when you stop trying to force the issue, decide what it is you truly need and want, and then put that out into the world. I am not one to have a traditional relationship, they are too demanding of my time and energy, too needy, and cause me too much stress wanting to make everyone happy. I have found what makes me happy, and that is enough. Oddly, it is inspiring me to start a new blog soon, of freedom found, and the joys of getting what you want, no matter how off-beat, nontraditional, unconditional, wild and crazy, more than a bit kinky, and on my own terms.
As Fun as 2014 has been, I am so excited for 2015. Life is what You make of it, no one else can take the blame or the credit, it is all on You. As of January 1st, 2015, I will be unemployed and free to start a whole new chapter in the rollercoaster that is life. I have already started writing the introduction, and can barely wait to start on page one. 2015 will be exciting, exhausting, educating, alarming, sexy, fun, difficult, deviant, daring. It will call on me to do something I am good at: Leap Before I Look. 2015 will be the Leap of Faith Year.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Steady Nerves
My pager went of at 21:25, unconscious older male. I threw on my basic black class C's and jacket, and flew out the door. Despite the fog I made good time getting to the station and was given the driver's seat in the Rescue Rig. It is no secret, I love driving Code 3. Just a minute into the drive dispatch said the family had started CPR, I knew what we were heading into. This was going to be my first CPR case. "They're doing CPR, so we grab the O2 bag, med bag, and start compressions as soon as we get on scene?" I asked Cap'n Eddie over my shoulder. He grunted affirmation and asked me what size gloves I needed. As I drove up the steep, winding road I did a quick mental/spiritual check: Everything okay? Yeah, I was calm and focused. There was a family member waiting for us at the end of the driveway with a flashlight, a great boon on a foggy night. I pulled up to the house, stomped the emergency break, and actually remembered to chock the tire before I opened the compartment and grabbed the O2 bag, Joe grabbed the med kit, and Eddie had the AED defibrillator. I was first in, calling out to the people in the house, quickly seeing a woman kneeling next to a very still man. "Let me take over," I said gently, dropping my bag and kneeling next to the man, my CPR training very clear in my mind. I started nice, solid, deep compressions while Joe and Eddie started getting out the rest of the gear. During class we were told that when you start compressions you will feel and hear the sternum and ribs pop and crack. I did. It was a little unnerving, but not unexpected. I know it is better to do continual compressions at 100 beats a minute with no break for oxygen if there is only one person with hands on the patient. I did it by the book, with the Bee Gees song "Staying Alive" playing in my head as the perfect speed and rhythm for compressions. I stopped briefly to feel for a pulse, there was nothing. I got right back to it. Our duty officer arrived just as Joe got oxygen on the patient, I heard his voice, registered that he was there, but my focus was narrowed down to the man under my hands, and the feel of his chest under my palms. 20 compressions then "Okay Joe, two quick breaths." 20 compressions, "Okay Joe." The paramedics arrived, speaking quietly to me, reaffirming my feeling that what I was doing was not going to make any difference to the patient, but was what the family was needing to see. "You're doing perfect," I heard several times. Then our other Rescue unit arrived, and I was relieved by one of my former classmates. Now I got to step back and be the observer. The paramedics ran an EKG strip, there was no pulse. He stepped over to talk quietly with the family. The decision to end resuscitation efforts was made and time of death was called. We quietly gathered our things and got out from under foot.
Stepping out into the brisk night air, my mind was still clear and focused. I looked inward to see how I was feeling. I knew I was okay. A small, nervous Blue Heeler came up to me, her eyes worried, her body language showing her concern. The dogs always find me. I kneeled down and gave her scratches, murmuring my condolences, telling her it would be okay. Oddly, it is her worried, furry face that overshadows the ashen, slack face I had kneeled over for a few eternal moments. The dogs always find me and work their way into my heart.
We finished packing up our gear, I backed out of the driveway, and drove back to the station. We talked about the case. Eddie showing his gruff concern for me. I knew I was all right with the incident, it was a good first call of this nature. I know there will be more, many more, over the years. I also know there will be some that will effect me deeply. This was a good opportunity to see just how I would react. All of this is new, and no one knows how they will react until they are already elbow deep into something. So far I have faced each situation calmly, with good focus, steady nerves, and no unnecessary adrenaline screwing with my mind. I really love this.
Next month I get my first class in Fire Investigation, a whole new adventure. A fabulous way to start the New Year. I am excited.
Stepping out into the brisk night air, my mind was still clear and focused. I looked inward to see how I was feeling. I knew I was okay. A small, nervous Blue Heeler came up to me, her eyes worried, her body language showing her concern. The dogs always find me. I kneeled down and gave her scratches, murmuring my condolences, telling her it would be okay. Oddly, it is her worried, furry face that overshadows the ashen, slack face I had kneeled over for a few eternal moments. The dogs always find me and work their way into my heart.
We finished packing up our gear, I backed out of the driveway, and drove back to the station. We talked about the case. Eddie showing his gruff concern for me. I knew I was all right with the incident, it was a good first call of this nature. I know there will be more, many more, over the years. I also know there will be some that will effect me deeply. This was a good opportunity to see just how I would react. All of this is new, and no one knows how they will react until they are already elbow deep into something. So far I have faced each situation calmly, with good focus, steady nerves, and no unnecessary adrenaline screwing with my mind. I really love this.
Next month I get my first class in Fire Investigation, a whole new adventure. A fabulous way to start the New Year. I am excited.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Restless
It has begun. I felt it today, that shadow that lurks just over my shoulder, just beyond my peripheral vision. I could feel it riding my shoulder, whispering of cold, grey days ahead. Taunting me with the looming Winter. It is odd how it manifests, a queer kind of stir-crazy. A restlessness that will not settle. An itch deep in my skull that cannot be scratched. I reach the point where tension in my chest feels as if all my insides are pressing to get outside. As if the squishy bits won't stay in the skin. Brain becomes scrambled and unfocused. Body becomes twitchy and hyper-sensitive. I knew that if I did not burn off the manic energy that was building in response to the melancholy manifesting in my soul I would pace the house like a caged beast, snapping at anything that came too near, devouring everything in my path including pets and small children. I fled to the gym, the safest recourse under these circumstances. Not my normal Sunday afternoon routine, but it may need to be added to the arsenal. I headed directly for the weight room and lifted hard for a solid 45 minutes, focusing strictly on upper-body. I realized I am still sore from the punishment I meted out on Thursday. After the quick and brutal strength training I headed for the pool, which was my main destination. I do love the soothing caress of the cool water. I knew I would swim hard, needed to swim hard. I did a tough but smooth warmup; 20 laps with hand paddles and pull buoy. Then I kicked it up a few gears and did 30 non-stop laps of strength/speed work, which jacked my cardio up higher than I normally go when I swim. It felt great, heart pounding, breathing deep and fast, shoulders burning. I actually had to pause for a minute, only a minute, then swam a mellow lap of breast stroke, letting the water cool my face. I finished with 20 laps at my "I-can-do-this-for-miles" race pace to cool down. Then I slipped into the hot tub, floating on my back, hot water covering everything but my face, and let the tension drain out of Body and Brain. It was what had to happen, what was needed to fend off the demons for another day.
This winter has the potential to be devastating, knowing that my job is ending in a few short weeks, and my future is not nearly as secure as I would wish. But at the same time, I am excited for the coming changes, even though they are being forced upon me. Forced upon me, yes, but how I choose to deal with them is all on me. I can curl into a sniveling, whining ball and rage against the unfairness of the world, or I can stand up to it and decide that now is my chance to step forward into new opportunity. I have plans. Honestly, I have "A Plan." But it is alarming, daring, challenging, frightening. I am on a rollercoaster that that is hurtling me from elated to scared shitless, often in a matter of minutes. This is part of the energy behind today's episode of melancholic mania. I will have to be ever vigilant, catch it before it catches me, sweat it out of my system before it can turn toxic in my heart. It will be a tough winter.
This winter has the potential to be devastating, knowing that my job is ending in a few short weeks, and my future is not nearly as secure as I would wish. But at the same time, I am excited for the coming changes, even though they are being forced upon me. Forced upon me, yes, but how I choose to deal with them is all on me. I can curl into a sniveling, whining ball and rage against the unfairness of the world, or I can stand up to it and decide that now is my chance to step forward into new opportunity. I have plans. Honestly, I have "A Plan." But it is alarming, daring, challenging, frightening. I am on a rollercoaster that that is hurtling me from elated to scared shitless, often in a matter of minutes. This is part of the energy behind today's episode of melancholic mania. I will have to be ever vigilant, catch it before it catches me, sweat it out of my system before it can turn toxic in my heart. It will be a tough winter.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Prepping For Winter
Heading into winter I always have a foreshadowing of dread, not knowing if it will be relatively smooth sailing, or tempestuous and brutal. By this time of year I try to have my ducks in a row, a plan of action, the ways and means to confront and manage the inevitable melancholy. This year brings a few added challenges. I have had house guests since August, my son and his family, and their two dogs. As you might imagine this adds a bit of strain, since my house is small, and I am an introvert who craves silence, order, and solitude. We are managing. I am having to readjust a lot of my carefully structured, slightly neurotic, OCD routine that has kept me relatively sane the last two years or so. Knowing how easily I tread the edge of the abyss, especially in the dark of winter, has forced me to adopt a regimen that to outside eyes probably seems every bit as crazy as the inner turmoil such a regimen helps manage. It is a fine line, balancing inner crazy with outward neurosis. Right now is rather challenging, but I have done well, for the most part, and nutrition, exercise, and trying to maintain some order have helped me stay upright and moving forward.
Last winter was one of the easiest winters I have had in over a decade, due largely in part to finally having a job that makes me happy, working with people who are upbeat, and being surrounded by the gleaming chrome of hundreds of motorcycles. I love my job. Last week my office mate and I were called into the owner's office for a meeting with him and the GM. Knowing this is never good I had a million scenarios play through my head in the few minutes it took to walk from my work area to the boss' office. We were informed that they are closing our department, and we will be out of jobs by the end of the year. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but it is a brutal blow nonetheless. We were told, in no uncertain terms, that after having reviewed our resumes, and already having laid off a number of other folks, there was no other positions we were qualified for. None. I can't say we didn't see this coming. We have had a string of problems with internet feeds, website issues, changes in corporate regulations about internet sales, all of which have effected out bottom line. We had finally managed to get everything smoothed out, about 10 days before the announced closure of our department. Of course, we were not given any opportunity to defend our jobs, it was a done deal before we even walked into the office. All things being equal, I think I am allowed to be a little pissy about the fact that I finally get out of a seven year stint at a miserable job, working with miserable people, for a company that was always on the verge of closing their doors, and start a fun job, with fun people, for decent pay, with a company that should be rock solid, and I get laid off after a year and a half. I want to throw a tantrum and scream at the universe, "This is just NOT FAIR!!" It has been a rough ten days, as we work through the shell shock of feeling pole-axed, while having to keep up our level of customer service, and wear a facade of cheer. I can't even imagine the rollercoaster of stress and emotion that I will be riding for the next eight weeks as we approach the closure of a department we have worked so hard to keep viable. Honestly, I am fucking pissed. I don't want to job hunt. I don't want to risk ending up in another office job with miserable people. I love my job, and hate that it is being taken away from me.
Being me, the eternal optimist, I am trying to put a good spin on this, especially going into winter when I know I am one mis-step away from finding myself in the fetal position on the floor, feeling as if my world is in absolute tatters. I will be job hunting, of course, but not with any real vigor for now. I am getting paid decently well, and have full medical benefits until Christmas, at least. I will take full advantage of this. I am grateful to have an eight week head's up so I can be budgeting now, instead of hitting the end of the year broke and with bills to pay, and suddenly being on unemployment. My next few paychecks will allow me to get ahead on bills, and stock up some essential supplies. I had already started paying down the few debts I have, even paying off one credit card the week before I found out I will soon be jobless. If I can get to the end of the year with a little money set aside to offset the 40% decrease in income I will have on unemployment I will allow myself the luxury of a little down-time. Time to get caught up on home projects, my writing, and maybe start working towards a sideline business that can supplement my income. I have a lot of ideas swirling around in my skull. I know that as long as I have "A Plan" I am more likely to stay positive. No, I don't want to have to job hunt, it is a self-esteem killing, soul-sucking endeavor that can make anyone feel unwanted and worthless. If I allow myself to take my time, search for a job that will be less soul-sucking than most, all the while working on creative avenues that will have either monetary or spiritual benefits, I may just survive the winter. But it will be tough. Very tough. All I can do at this point is try to be prepared for what may come. It is going to be a rough winter.
Last winter was one of the easiest winters I have had in over a decade, due largely in part to finally having a job that makes me happy, working with people who are upbeat, and being surrounded by the gleaming chrome of hundreds of motorcycles. I love my job. Last week my office mate and I were called into the owner's office for a meeting with him and the GM. Knowing this is never good I had a million scenarios play through my head in the few minutes it took to walk from my work area to the boss' office. We were informed that they are closing our department, and we will be out of jobs by the end of the year. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but it is a brutal blow nonetheless. We were told, in no uncertain terms, that after having reviewed our resumes, and already having laid off a number of other folks, there was no other positions we were qualified for. None. I can't say we didn't see this coming. We have had a string of problems with internet feeds, website issues, changes in corporate regulations about internet sales, all of which have effected out bottom line. We had finally managed to get everything smoothed out, about 10 days before the announced closure of our department. Of course, we were not given any opportunity to defend our jobs, it was a done deal before we even walked into the office. All things being equal, I think I am allowed to be a little pissy about the fact that I finally get out of a seven year stint at a miserable job, working with miserable people, for a company that was always on the verge of closing their doors, and start a fun job, with fun people, for decent pay, with a company that should be rock solid, and I get laid off after a year and a half. I want to throw a tantrum and scream at the universe, "This is just NOT FAIR!!" It has been a rough ten days, as we work through the shell shock of feeling pole-axed, while having to keep up our level of customer service, and wear a facade of cheer. I can't even imagine the rollercoaster of stress and emotion that I will be riding for the next eight weeks as we approach the closure of a department we have worked so hard to keep viable. Honestly, I am fucking pissed. I don't want to job hunt. I don't want to risk ending up in another office job with miserable people. I love my job, and hate that it is being taken away from me.
Being me, the eternal optimist, I am trying to put a good spin on this, especially going into winter when I know I am one mis-step away from finding myself in the fetal position on the floor, feeling as if my world is in absolute tatters. I will be job hunting, of course, but not with any real vigor for now. I am getting paid decently well, and have full medical benefits until Christmas, at least. I will take full advantage of this. I am grateful to have an eight week head's up so I can be budgeting now, instead of hitting the end of the year broke and with bills to pay, and suddenly being on unemployment. My next few paychecks will allow me to get ahead on bills, and stock up some essential supplies. I had already started paying down the few debts I have, even paying off one credit card the week before I found out I will soon be jobless. If I can get to the end of the year with a little money set aside to offset the 40% decrease in income I will have on unemployment I will allow myself the luxury of a little down-time. Time to get caught up on home projects, my writing, and maybe start working towards a sideline business that can supplement my income. I have a lot of ideas swirling around in my skull. I know that as long as I have "A Plan" I am more likely to stay positive. No, I don't want to have to job hunt, it is a self-esteem killing, soul-sucking endeavor that can make anyone feel unwanted and worthless. If I allow myself to take my time, search for a job that will be less soul-sucking than most, all the while working on creative avenues that will have either monetary or spiritual benefits, I may just survive the winter. But it will be tough. Very tough. All I can do at this point is try to be prepared for what may come. It is going to be a rough winter.
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