What I Imagine, I Become

    What we Think, we Create.

    What we Feel, we Attract.

    What we Imagine, we Become.

    For several weeks I have been mulling over a diatribe on choosing to be happy. A rant against those who allow themselves to be bitter, resentful, complaining, joyless, miserable. I had started and stalled several times. I realized why words faltered, there is no sense in railing against those who seem to choose miserable and morose over joyful and jovial. To throw bitter words into the morass does no good, helps no one, improves nothing.
    Instead, "What we Think, We Create. What we Feel, we Attract. What we Imagine, we Become." These words came up today, and were so very perfect. I believe this with all my heart to be truth in its purest form. We mold our emotional lives out of the tenuous filaments of our own imaginings. Strand by gossamer strand, slowly creating the fabric of life. We choose who we become. It goes far beyond Nature or Nurture. We can choose to unshackle ourselves from our past and step boldly into whatever future we desire.
    I choose to not allow my life to be defined by my past. Yes, it has shaped me into the person I am today, and for that, I am grateful for every minute. Instead, I am trying to live in the moment, in the now. To appreciate the magic of every day life, as well as the magic of each new experience, each grand adventure. I am experiencing the joy of my day to day existence, and reveling in the wonders that present themselves. I am living in the moment, but also looking ahead, choosing paths that will lead me into continued contentment. More frequently I find myself moving through the day in a state of peaceful bliss. Yes, I backslide, have moments of doubt, fears, insecurities. My demons do stir on occasion, whispering in my ear, attempting to bring me down from this near perpetual high. But I choose to ignore them, just as I choose to find my bliss.
    I also choose to not allow my happiness to be defined by others. Yes, there are those in my life that bring me absolute joy. Family, new friends and old, that are cherished, loved, and contribute mightily to a life of bliss. These are the people I choose to have in my life. But my happiness is not dependent on any one person. My happiness is my own. I accept full responsibility for it.
    What I Think, I Create. I think long and hard about my happiness, joy, bliss, and peace. And I have created a life that is near to overflowing with all that is sweet and right.
    What I Feel, I Attract. I feel love, acceptance, understanding, compassion, passion, exuberance, glee, wonderment, excitement, peace, bliss. And by the threefold rule, what I send out into the Universe comes back to me threefold, this is manifesting daily.
    What I Imagine, I Become. Or as I have said for over 30 years, "You are what you pretend to be..." I imagined that I am loved, independent, successful in the ways that truly matter, healthy beyond reason, athletic, confident, a free spirit, an unstoppable force, the whirlwind. And just look where that has taken me. Where will it take me from here? I can only imagine.

Dropping The Reins

    Caught on the cusp between no holds barred, balls to the wall, full speed ahead, ride the whirlwind, and haul the reins, armor up, protect the vitals, tactical retreat. I have been told that I "never do anything by halves," and it is true. I seem to have two gears; fast forward, and reverse. Try as I might, I can never seem to find the middle ground. I am Leap Before I Look Girl, often to my detriment, dismay, and damage. Impetuous, impulsive, mercurial, quixotic, headlong, reckless, imprudent. It is a sure fire way to get myself neck deep in trouble of one kind or another. Rash and heedless. The fool to rush in where angels fear to tread. The internal struggles that this brings about are prodigious, and mind-bending. As my Nature tries to propel me forward with glorious recklessness, my oft ignored logical side steps forward in a vain attempt to prevent cataclysmic devastation. Yes, we have been down that road often enough. By now, it is a well traveled, familiar path. One would think that by now I would know every rock, pothole, and washout, but I am surprised by its altered topography every time.
    In a sense it is Nature Versus Nurture. My Nature is to be the whirlwind, race ahead pell-mell, let my emotions and excitement carry me away, put me in harms way. But it is my Nurturing side, my logical side, that attempts to protect me from myself, shelter me from the ravages of the world around me, tries to build armor around the trust and naivete that is my Achilles's Heel. That is the crux, my trust and naivete. I am inclined to take everyone and everything at face value, believe what I am told, trust. For as often as I have been proven wrong, I cannot break free of the habit of trust. I can't step back and cry "bullshit." I believe, and trust with tragic, wide-eyed innocence that is unwise, and unseemly for one my age. This is why I have been told to "grow up," and that, "the world will beat that out of you," and this was by one I trusted. But no matter how I try to convince myself that it will lead me down another path of desolation and devastation, I continue to trust, believe, keep the faith. I have also been told that I lead with my heart, am "loyal to a fault," and "have a hero's heart." Hero? I would wish for Bedivere of dark magic and fearsome lance, but instead I am Parcival, the Fool. Although, truth be told, in the story of Parcival, in his darkest despair he wandered the woods, finally dropping the reins and allowing his horse to take him where it pleased. It took him to the Holy Grail. Maybe, just maybe, the lesson to be learned is to let go of the reins, stop trying to control my nature, and let it take me where it will. No quest is complete without pitfalls, traps, battles to save fair maidens, wrestling with demons, egregious betrayal, grievous injury, and eventual triumph. Oh, that I could find the balance between hell bent for leather, and merely dropping the reins. But it is a leap of faith, an act of trust, and trust I can do.

Ram-bunc-tious

    This is how the conversations have gone:
    "Hey, remember the last time? You were really hammered."
    Me, "No, I wasn't."
    "Yeah you were. You were totally lit!"
    "I was drinking coffee."
    "No way, but I saw you..."
    "Yeah."
    "And then you..."
    "Uh huh. Stone cold sober."
    "But you were.... and it was hilarious."
    "Sober."
    "Wow. Really?"
    "Yep."
    Rambunctious. Eager. Enthusiastic. Excitable. Delirious. Intense. Joyful. Enraptured. Rowdy.
    Or... Hyper. Obsessive. Manic. Spastic. Dysfunctional. Childish. Fixated. Intimidating.
    "Relax." "Breathe." "Take it easy." "Grow up." "Knock it off." "Take it easy." "Settle down."  "Simmer down." "Slow down." "Sit down." Down, down, down.
    No! No I will not. I will not take it easy, settle down, or grow up. I will not rein myself in for propriety's sake. I want to bounce off the walls. Run down the halls singing at the top of my lungs. I want to do cartwheels in the grass. I want to live my life to the utmost. I have spent too many years of my life trying to obey some unspoken rules on "Grownup" behavior. I call bullshit. I want to charge ahead, full speed, feeling the winds of my very existence with the same physicality as 85 mph on the back of my beloved Bob. My life is my own, to enjoy, to revel in, to share, and I will not be tightfisted. I want to consume life with both hands, wrap myself around it, let it explode all around me, revel in the messy glory of it all. I want to feel life, laughter, and love with every fiber of my being. I want to experience all that the Universe has to offer. I will  not Settle Down. I will not Rein Myself In. I am rambunctious. It is who I am. I am and always have been the Whirlwind, the Maelstrom, the Fire Within. There is far too much joy to be experienced, too much laughter to release upon the world, too much love to share, too much life to even think about trying to rein myself in. I am me. I am Rambunctious.

The Universe Answers

    My life is amazing. I believe the Universe is striving to teach me to live my life fully. The last few years I have walked through fire, fallen into the Abyss and climbed my way out, stumbled down pathways that lead to dead ends and briar patches, fallen, been knocked down, trampled, picked myself up and wiped the blood from my nose. I have cried and raged against the darkness, battled demons, wept at tragic loss. I have felt discarded, used up and tossed aside, second best, winner by default only, never the first choice. Through it all I knew, knew in my heart that my happiness depended on me, myself, no one else. Against the assaults of the chaos that reigns around me I have held tight to the belief that I am the mistress of my destiny, that my life and happiness depend on me. I have held tight to my eternal optimism, the Fire that burns within my heart. I have not allowed myself to become tarnished, jaded, disillusioned. I have accepted my injuries, taken the hits, massaged balm into the wounds as they heal, cherishing the scars that I wear as a tiger wears her stripes. But I know I try to force things to happen, often when the time is not ripe. I struggle to make change happen, burning energy until I exhaust myself. Then, when I finally relax, realize I am content with who and where I am, allow the Universe to come to me, and fill my eyes with the beauty of the night sky, then and only then, do events to slip into place. Smooth, sweet, and easy. When I open myself to the possibilities the Universe has to offer, the Universe answers. My life is amazing.

Freedom?

    I love my life. I do. I am living My Dream in ways I had only barely imagined just a few short years ago. So why then do I have the itch of dissatisfaction niggling at me? I can hear it whispering, but can't make out the words. I am plummeting through my life at an astonishing pace, a pace of my choosing. I am careening from one week to the next, enjoying the ride, eagerly anticipating the upcoming twists and turns. My life is a helluva ride, and I am loving every minute. So what is the problem? Why do I feel the quiver of my demons trying to make a reappearance? Of course I know that they are never really gone, they just slumber in the shadows, waiting for the slightest tremor, the merest hint of a crack in my armor, the barest breath of doubt to wake them from their somnolence. They are still sleeping, though restless. I do not expect any nocturnal visits from them, but then, they often show up as unexpected and unwanted guests. So what is it that is trying to disturb the peace? Right now I feel as if I have it all; my own little home, a job that I love, I am in the best physical condition of my life, I am enjoying the now and anticipating the future. So what could be lacking? As much as I try to deny it, as much as I relish my freedom, as much pride as I take in my independence, the truth is that I am lonely. Funny thing, I am currently getting in more socializing on a daily basis than I think I ever have before. Between work, time spent at the station, races, neighborly visits over the fence, cuddling the grandbaby, I am truly having a wonderful social life. There should be nothing more that I need. Should be. But should rarely ever is. This feeling comes and goes. More often than not I am more than content. But some nights, like tonight, I miss having someone out there who cares that I am lonely. Someone who wants to tell me "goodnight," even if it is only via text.Someone who wishes I was with them. Truth be told, I think I am too much for most. Too independent, too free spirited, too busy, too active, too happy, too honest, too giving, too loving. I am not for the faint of heart, the insecure, the broken. Neither am I for the brash, the arrogant, the egotistical, for that is nothing but a mask for the faint of heart, the insecure, the broken. Maybe I see too deeply into the hearts of others, and give too willingly my own heart. Whatever the reason, the rationale, I am left standing alone, rejected. Rejected, or set free? I cherish my freedom, maybe the occasional bout of loneliness is the price I will always have to pay. But right now, at this moment, I am lonely. And tired of being alone. Tomorrow I will wake, independent, wild and free, as it should be. I am free to be who I was meant to be.

Farewell, My Sweet, Goofy, Loving Girl

    Monday was the day I had to make the tough decision, set my own selfish needs aside and think of the best interests of a beloved friend. Monday was the day I had to have my dear, sweet, goofy Wolfhound put down. She developed bone cancer earlier this year, and I knew I was counting my time with her, waiting, watching, feeling helpless. I knew a day would come when she would tell me it was time to let her go, to help her cross the Rainbow Bridge so she could join the Wild Hunt with her father, my beloved Tork. The day was actually last friday, but in my selfishness I did not want to listen to what she was telling me. I did everything in my power to make her last few days as sweet as possible, petting, brushing, massaging, cuddling, indulging. I can't count how many times over the months that I wept into her wiry coat as I rubbed her ears, scratched her chin, kissed her grizzled face. It has been painful, watching the progression of the vile growth as it slowly robbed her of her mobility. It was only the last few days though, that seemed painful for her, before that it was more an annoyance, troublesome, an inconvenience. Monday, when I knew it was the day, my final day with her, I had to struggle against bouts of weeping at work. I cried most of the drive home, and had to fight hysterics when she greeted me at the door for the last time. I fed her a tasty dinner and gave her a smoked bone to keep her happy. She lay in the shady backyard, crunching the bone with her mighty jaws while I dug her grave. The physical aspect of digging let me find my center, reel in my emotions for a bit. But when the time came for her to cross over I hed to go in the house with Hugo, and cry. I thought my heart would break, Hugo was worried for me, and I for him, knowing that his bonded mate was taking the long journey home. My sweet, darling, sloppy faced girl. I miss her giant head resting on my lap, or on the bed next to my face. My bed, high as it is, was just the perfect height for her to stand and plunk her face down next to mine, and breathe her warm, doggy breath on me. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the room seemed so empty without her massive presence that I cried myself into exhaustion. Even now, as I write, tears flow freely. She was such a gentle soul, a loving companion, a sweet spirit, a loyal friend. She was there for me in my darkest of hours, always strong and silent, yet comical and adoring. She was truly a Gentle Giant, in every sense of the word. I will always love my sweet, goofy, loving Girl. Tonks. a truer friend there never was. My sloppy-face girl, my goofball, my rock, my irreplaceable friend.

Freedom

    I revel in my freedom. Lonely as it is sometimes, I still cherish my freedom almost beyond all else. I think this is reflected in my life and lifestyle. I live alone, and don't see that changing any time soon. I chose a home with one neighbor, a bit out in the boonies, and it is mine, just mine. I ride a Harley, alone, no one talking to me, no distractions. I have chosen sports that are solitary, not team efforts. I train alone almost exclusively. I swim endlessly, the only sounds are often my own breathing and the near silent entrance of my hand into the water, with smooth strokes. I cycle for miles and miles, either up on the trainer in the privacy of my home, or alone on narrow roads in rolling farmland. Trail running, even in a race or with a group, I tend to maneuver out of groups so I can enjoy the solitude, the sound of my breathing, the lightness of my step. As I motorcycle, swim, bike, run, garden, cook, live, workout, meditate, I take pleasure in my freedom. The freedom to be who I am. True to myself. Yes, there are times when it is lonely. Usually late at night when there is no one to share the triumphs of the day with. No one I can text, call, or crawl into bed with. I have had opportunities, but after a lifetime of feeling restricted, or even shackled, by life, it is hard for me to relinquish my hard won freedom. I love the feel of the wind in my face at 60 plus miles an hour, barreling through the backcountry on a balmy summer afternoon. I love the feel of my body slipping through emerald waters. I love loping along sun dappled forest trails. I love my shaggy little house and the freedom to do with it what I want. So I will feel a little lonely now and then. But I will feel the power of my freedom always.